Ready or not?

I've been somewhat silent for the last couple of months because there really is only so much you can say about feeling hurt and lost. Intentions to throw myself into the munches and clubs of Melbourne weren't quite followed through as I realised I needed to establish a normal life first (though I did meet a couple of lovely friends). Not to mention having spent five of the last six weeks abroad with varying levels of internet access. I did see the cutest lion cubs though, which kind of makes up for it!

If I'm honest it's been more than being busy - I've not felt ready to head out into the big wide world and meet new people to play with. Too big a part of me has been feeling hurt, rejected, mistrustful and wondering why on earth anyone would want to play with me anyway. I've also been feeling sort of desexed.

Bizarrely after an awful experience in China a few days ago (robbed at knifepoint) being home has made me feel so much better. It's not like I have loads of close friends here but it's lovely seeing new friends, being in my own flat, eating normal food - lots of little things like that. While I've been away I've been having a bit of a flirtation on fetlife, despite stating that I was only really looking for friends. We had a lovely coffee and he gets me rather well and I'm wondering whether I'm ready to dip my toes with somebody new, or whether it's not a good idea when I'm often still tearful from the break-up.

It is strange how real danger can somehow make you feel more alive though, my energy levels are higher than they've been for a while, despite the jetlag. I actually feel like traipsing along to a club, cooking properly, trying out for a girls soccer team. I actually feel up for the prospect of taking a risk and playing with someone new but am a little wary of opening Pandora's box. He did have a lovely way of tugging my hair though...

With a little help from my friends...

Just a quick post to say a massive thank you to all the friends who've held my hand through the last year and a bit and offered tea, cuddles and a shoulder to cry on when I've needed it, which has been quite a lot. I haven't blogged much for quite a while because frankly life has been mostly less than sparkly and too many 'feeling sad today' posts are very dull and very self indulgent. It's not to say there haven't been good things - Lowewood, the reformatory and house party, my Central American adventure, the Lakes with uni friends - they've just got a bit lost in the mire of feeling sad and lost.

It's funny how things sometimes all go wrong at once to create a sequence that seems bent on keeping you down. Eighteen months ago I was blissfully happy - I'd just started an exciting new job, met a wonderful new boy, had fabulous friends and all seemed well with the world. What I didn't know (maybe I'd have done things differently if I had) was the boss of the new job would continually sexually harass and bully me for the entirety of my time there leaving me emotional and unconfident. That I'd get glandular fever but be working too hard to rest properly, making me tired and ill for the next year. That the boy interest would move far, far away, that we'd survive the long separation (with lots of tears) but that the damage it did wouldn't be something we couldn't fix. That when I finally got the guts to leave the job the ex-boss would stalk me and turn up at my house, making me scared to be alone. That my Dad would get sick, a lot. I could have predicted various minor annoyances like anaemia, a moth infestation, frauds on my bank accounts. I couldn't predict that the boy and I would plan to go to Australia, envisage a life together and then split up weeks before I was due to leave leaving me to go alone. That all of this would make me teary, tired and blaming and hating myself for not being able to handle it.

So yeah, it's been a weird and emotional time of coping with one problem before moving onto the next. I honestly don't think I'd have retained any of my sanity were it not for lovely friends who fed me tea or wine, listened to me sobbing incoherently or debating the same things in circles and dragged me out of the house when I just wanted to hide. I've not been very myself or very much fun and owe a huge debt to those who have helped hold me together - friends are the superglue of life. I'm not going to name people but you know who you are - so thank you. It really is true that you do get along 'with a little help from your friends'.

For better or worse 2011 will be a year of change - I'm moving to Australia, far away from everyone I care about. It's scary leaving people behind, knowing that they'll move on and I won't be part of things but true friends will always be friends and always have time for each other. It's especially scary going all on my own without the boy by my side - but that's out of my control. I'm hoping it will be a chance to draw a line under the sadness of recent months, recollect myself and re balance a little. One of my vanilla friends commented that she was glad I'd decided to go because it was the most 'me' decision I'd made in a while and she worried that I'd seemed a shadow of my normal self recently - that all the tears and worrying were out of character. Hopefully she's right and it will give me a chance to sort myself out so that when I come back I'll be a bit easier to be around, more fun and less sad. Hopefully there will be more fun kinky posts on this blog detailing my adventures down under too.

To all those who've looked after me - thank you so much - I have really appreciated it and hope you all know that (even if I haven't enunciated it very well through floods of tears). True friends are forever and I love you all so much.

R xx

Corner Time

"But you don't stand still...ever!"

Was my best friend's confused comment as I tried to explain a little more about what I was 'into'. Some of what we do is difficult for vanillas to grasp, particularly when it's not especially sexual and falls more into the 'DS' than the 'B' or 'SM' aspects of what we do. We've been talking quite a lot about it recently - she's going through some hard times with her partner and our occasional phone catch-ups have become much more regular. As I'm stressed out for different reasons it's been cathartic to talk to someone who knows me inside out for me as well.

We somehow ended up agreeing to talk about different bits of what I'm 'into' so she could understand and also because she's curious. I'm wondering if a pervert may be lurking in there somewhere but won't say more than that.

It was easy enough for her to understand some things. The spankings and canings and other painful pursuits make sense to her as another way of expressing the masochistic side of me that she knew well in sporting arenas. She gets why I'd enjoy fet clubbing and joked that after spending half my working life covered from head to toe in foreign countries it wasn't surprising that I needed to let my hair down - and our group were hardly shy about going out without much on anyway. The control thing she gets a little bit and understands that I need a man who can stand up to me be 'in charge' in the bedroom but questions things going beyond that. As an ex-history student she also understands why I'd enjoy role-playing but found some of it a bit strange (explaining a Victorian reformatory to anyone non-kinky is an amusing challenge if you're ever bored!).

Somehow though we really got stuck on the subject of 'corner time'. It's not something that happens very often or a huge kink of mine but she really fixated on it. A lot of it was not understanding the benefit for either me or the person enforcing it - it's not sexy or physical to an outsider and I think that makes it harder to understand. We talked a lot about the symbolism and also concept of reflecting before being punished and the humiliation factor as it's quite a juvenile position. How it can be an opportunity to swap from a bratty or 'high' head space into something calmer and more obedient and other things like that. That it's a way for a dominant to take control of the situation on their terms rather than necessarily dealing with something straight away.

She had a lot of sideways questions about how did people ensure that you really stayed in the corner. I shared the comic example of a Dom I'd played with quite early on who had made me hold a ping pong ball against the wall with my nose so I couldn't move at all. Unfortunately I'd sneezed, jumped in shock and accidentally kicked the ball which had dropped into a corner and behind the sofa. It was entirely unintentional but got me into trouble and she'd collapsed into fits of giggles as that was a very 'me' thing to do. I neglected to tell her about the occasion whilst role playing when myself and another girl had carefully shuffled out of the corner whilst the Dom wasn't watching as I didn't think it would help.

I'm still not sure how much she 'got' it in the end, although she was very fixated on the idea of me standing still bizarrely!

Renaissance

My world is on the move again hopefully for the better. All going to plan I'm starting a new job in a couple of weeks and escaping my psycho boss. Am in Sri Lanka facilitating a 'final fling' workshop but mostly just wanting to go to the beach. Feeling more engaged with my dark and dirty side than I have for a while, mostly due to being generally unhappy and stressed out (hence the lack of posting - too much about being sad, stressed and mixed up doth not good reading maketh). My doctor has worked out what's wrong with me and dosed me and my energy levels are slowly re approaching normal - I swam and hit the gym today despite being jet lagged. I've planned the trip of a quintecade (5 years) for August, may or may not be going on my own and still can't wait. Am still not too sure where certain things are going or even which way they should go but the sun appears to be slowly reemerging (the real sun probably has something to do with this - I'm a summer girl at heart) for which I'm eternally grateful. Whether it's knowing I've escaped the psycho boss, that the sun is out, knowing I'm going away this summer or what I don't know but am happy and my kinky libido is emerging blinking into the sunshine too.

Having had a couple of rather lovely play happenings recently has probably also had a lot to do with it :) It was nice to find that I was in the mood and felt more like me than I have in a while. But more about that another day - off to reconfigure a few more computers (hurrah!)

Sweet girl, action girl

A vanilla friend once jokingly said that my problem was that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be Lara Croft or Legally Blonde. At the time I was frantically trying on dresses for a black tie dinner in the forty minute gap between racing on the river and having to jump on a bus to go rock climbing for the weekend. The girly part of me demanded trying on virtually every dress in multiple shops despite the incident taking place during my sylph like days when everything fitted, no questions asked. The action girl was getting impatient, thus trying to save time (if you've never seen someone in the stylish combo of a pink frilly dress teamed with waterproof trousers and walking boots you're missing out) and fretting about whether there would be time to pick up new batteries for my head torch or not. My poor friend was trying to ensure that we made the bus and I had something to wear for the dinner the following night, whilst gently suggesting we did really need to pick up some lunch before leaving.

It does sometimes feel like I have two contrasting personalities that want completely different things. So much so that what makes one happy makes the other edgy. Part of me wants fifties dresses, big petticoats, nice kitchenware and frilly knickers and another part of me wants to trek to Everest Base Camp, raft the Nile, push my body until I scream and is happiest in trackies and a hoodie. On the scene the dichotomy raises it's head as well - sometimes I am in evangelical 'good girl' mode and generally want to please people, look pretty and am a generally mellow happy thing and sometimes I want to battle with the tops, pain, starkness and rebellion. We all have different aspects to our personalities and there are lots of subsets to the sweet and action versions of me but sometimes it does seem very pronounced. What's frustrating is that sometimes I can't really control which head space I get into and that's really frustrating.

Right now I feel equally torn about what to save money I don't have for. Part of me is fawning over What Katie Did's adorable pink lace Sarah range for their new spring collection, flowery Vivien of Holloway Dresses and fabulous Mary Green 7 Deadly Sins knickers in pink silk. I am busy totting up what I could afford when if I gave up what (probably eating). Another part of me is plotting my first proper trip in a couple of years this summer and unsure about whether I fancy trekking in Nepal and Tibet, rafting, mountain biking and diving in Central America or climbing and safariing in Africa. I suspect the next few months are going to consist of a battle of wills as I attempt not to spend savings for the summer on more knickers...otherwise it'll be Bognor Regis...or Watford. And there are so many less silly adrenaline sports to be done there...and I'll have to take more then 2 pairs of knickers!

On another note I'm off down South to see the boy interest for the weekend and my case probably displays the disparity in my tastes rather well - in a carry on size bag I have succeeded in packing a corset, pretty underwear and 3 pairs of stockings alongside a ginormous pair of walking boots, thick socks and my favourite trackies...me...complex...never!

Click Conundrums

When I talk about kink I talk a lot about the elusive ‘click’. Click is what makes you instantly warm to someone and thus find yourself giggling over your sixth cocktail and a plate of tapas hours into what was meant to be a quick drink. Or when you start chatting to someone and discover that you both stayed at the same backpackers’ hostel in a tiny African village, have a mutual obsession with Starbucks skinny caramel macchiatos, fancy dress and masochistic attitude towards sports. You just get each other.

Click’s even more important when it comes to playmates – I mean if you’re going to put yourself in the hands of someone you initially don’t know well feeling comfortable is key. In the misty past at my first munch I met someone who went on to be a fabulous long term playmate. He was wearing a red sweater with a shirt beneath that somehow reminded me of Christopher Robin (I never told him that) and I was painfully embarrassed and somewhat weirded out by the greasy men who kept perving on me. There was something vaguely dangerous about him that I liked and he was bemused that I knew what I wanted so young, I think we both saw the other as a challenge. We played scenes I still fantasise about fairly regularly for almost a year until his girlfriend banned him from seeing me (obviously despite never having had sex we’d clicked a bit too much).

It applies in groups too. There are people that you instantly connect with and others that you don’t. In any friendship group some people are closer than others, and over time you grow closer to people that aren’t instant clicks – that’s natural. I can remember thinking that a girl who became one of my best friends was an awful suck-up for coming along to watch us race when she hadn’t made the crew in my first year and was constantly sidling up to the captain. She hated me for being faster than her and I secretly thought she was a bit weak for not being able to push but we ended up becoming best friends and going travelling together. A few years later she’s reverted to being a bit wet but it doesn’t mean we’re not still good friends – I just wouldn’t call her in a real crisis anymore because right now we don’t ‘get’ each other.

The difficult thing is the ‘anti-click’, people that just irritate you. We all encounter them and most of us have at least one in our group of close friends. Generally the peace is kept but every now and again there’s an almighty row – usually when someone says what they actually think. I know for a fact that certain acquaintances view me as an ‘anti-click’ (the interesting thing being that it’s not always mutual) but in the case of the clever ones I may not have a clue. Ultimately we all want to be happy and thus sometimes it’s better just to keep the peace.

This raises interesting issues when examined in the context of the scene and social interactions. Click in a group scene is fabulous – two subs in collusion don’t double the trouble for the top, the effect is definitely exponential as you collectively turn the crank and wind them up. Albino deer in the wilds of the English countryside, Sir Gooseberry Chicken, purple fairy cakes – all manner of fun and amusing things happen when click works in a group scene, and if you’re lucky the resulting chaos and consequences are even better.

What about ‘anti-click’ in a group though? It’s all very well tolerating someone you just don’t particularly get on with at group dinners, birthdays and so on but dealing with it in a bdsm scene moves into different territory. It can come out in tension between characters in a role-play or a total fail of the ability to let go and enjoy a scene, as truthfully none of us like to be vulnerable around those we aren’t sure about. Or things can just not work as well as they might, which in a way is even worse and you’re left feeling like a bad person because someone’s having the affect on you. Ultimately it’s a tricky one because not liking someone and thus not wanting to do something inherently sexual with them does not make you mean or a failed player but it can feel that way, especially if you feel bad for letting others down. It’s especially difficult if naturally you want to like and be nice everyone, so on one level it’s fine and on another it’s really not. I think the difficult bit is finding the line and working out how to keep your unicycle from wobbling too far to one side.

Catharsis

We all go to some dark places, places that on one level we seek to avoid but on another are compelled to explore. Places that take you beyond the 'nice' side of the scene, beyond the characters we hide behind and onto something deeper. Sometimes characters can guide the way but it's somewhere you have to allow your real self to go, something you have to admit is what you need and allow yourself to yield to.

Sometimes we all need to break a little bit, to go past the banter and joking and on to shakier ground. We have to let the thing we do pierce the surface into who we really are, what we want but most of all what we fear. It can be a tone of voice that takes us from lighter things into what lies beneath, it can be a planned punishment or sometimes it can be entirely unintentional and happen when playing just strikes a chord.

It's cathartic crying, giving in and quietly atoning. An interesting facet of many submissives is that we're closet perfectionists and want everything to be just so. It's not enough to score nine shots in life out of ten, we want the full set. It's not enough to be good at our jobs, have friends we adore, do some good in the world and to be healthy - we want to be the best we can and to rest assured that we've left no stone unturned in the pursuit of opportunity. The problem is often you can't live up to your demands upon yourself and hate yourself for not quite making the grade. That's when you need to break a little bit because it's cathartic, to cry about the open door left unexplored and to tell yourself that it's ok not to be perfect. Just sometimes you need that sort of catharsis and chance to let it all go. Sometimes.

All I want for Christmas...

Inspired by Jessica's post I've been having a think about what I want for Christmas. Ideally all metaphorically wrapped up in pretty paper with shiny ribbons. I have after all, mostly been a very good girl and paid the price when I'm not. Obviously I would have asked for World Peace but my friend LJ got there first so here are a few other ideas...

1. For there to be enough snow overnight to make tomorrow a snow day! It's settled a bit Santa but we're not quite there and I'd really like the day off work.

2. A special porting device so I can just pop 6 hours down the road to see the boy interest or he can come and see me. Yes I know it's only until the summer Santa but just think how much better a girl I'd be if he was able to deal with misbehaviour more frequently. There only so much you can fit into a weekend after all...

3. A proper heart in mouth scary institutional scene. With nowhere to run away too. And to be in the right headspace for it. And lots of cuddles afterwards (demanding...me...never).

4. Lots of gorgeous underwear - there are some cute silky ones at What Katie Did I'm particularly coveting Santa but so many more. A fabulous dresser and a big enough bedroom would also be very helpful.

5. To get over my recent under the weatherness. I'm sick of being banned from strenuous exercise and generally feeling tired and run down. I mean there are fit army men waiting to shout at me and make me run up hills - this is very inconvenient! This would probably also help me to loose the post birthday/Christmas cocktail belly!

6. More kinky clubbing and socialising. I love getting all dressed up and going out. I love it even more when toppy sorts abuse me and show me off.

7. Needleplay - I really want to try this, just a few ideally with a pretty design. It's just I'm needle phobic so I think it would either be a huge rush or a disaster but I'll risk it for the huge rush.

8. To go properly travelling again - backpacking somewhere exciting, staying in dodgy hostels and meeting loads of randoms. Having a loose idea of where I'm going but no set itinerary. Sleeping in a hammock. Holidays and work trips just don't cut it - I wanna be footloose again.

9. People to want to play with me. I hate pushing myself forward but it's annoying when you get left out because other people are more willing to fling themselves forward.

10. A really nice bubble bath with nice smelling things and preferably a sore bottom to soak.

11. To do a scene in a castle. Preferably with thick oak beams, stone walls and the wind wailing outside. And the boy interest looking sexy in his breeches.

12. A nice yummy sensual flogging that hurts just the right amount and leaves me aching for more.

13. More bedtime spankings because pyjamas and spankings are just the best combination ever. Plus there's that nice soporific glow. Yummy.

14. More fabulous headspacey events and play scenarios that just work and make me believe it. Preferably with some of my favourite people.

15. More space - I currently live in a really small room and it would be fab to have more space to play and entertain friends. I like having dinner parties and would like to organise more play events but just don't have space. In the space I'd also quite like my own school desk...

I promise to be very good Santa and help old ladies cross the road and not drop litter.

Hope you get lots of mince pies and carrots for Rudolph on Christmas Eve,

Rebecca xox

Graham's meme

Hello lovely people, I'm afraid I've been somewhat stuck in a blogging black hole and so apologies for the lack of posts recently. My stress levels with real-life stuff are approaching stratospheric, I've been sickly and busy and think I'm probably suffering from something akin to burn-out. This is a bit of a shame as I have a lot of half-written blog posts, not to mention the rest of my house party diaries (as thus far I'm half-way through Friday evening). So at some point when I've had a chance to recharge my batteries a little there will be lots of lovely posts...maybe even daily...maybe!

In the meantime I am feeling rather inspired by the lovely Graham's meme and so thought I'd answer that...

1. Tell us your Kinsey rating! (That is, where you fall, approximately, on the spectrum of sexuality, with zero being “only attracted to members of the opposite sex” and six being “only attracted to members of the same sex.” Follow the link for the full breakdown.)

I think I fall somewhere between a 1 and a 2, I'm mostly heterosexual and can't really imagine a relationship with a girl but I do fancy them. Girls are soft and pretty and have nice hair and curvy bits and that's very sexy. Girls make me go all strokey and cuddly and it's somehow more platonic but also quite naughty. Most of the time I'd go for men though - cocks are fun... and muscles, strength and just not being quite so soft - men are dangerous. Please don't flame me about girls having muscles - I used to leg-press over 200kgs when I rowed - I know girls have muscles too - it's just sort of different!

2. Spanking / BDSM “type” that suits you best (switch, top, masochist, grand-master-wizard, etc.):

Much as I'd like to claim to be a grandmaster wizard it's simply not true. I'm not very good at picking boxes though. To special people (the boy interest and a couple of others) I'm submissive but I'm certainly not for things like club play or group scenes - I guess then I'm a bottom. I'm not a pure masochist - all pain doesn't excite but I am masochistic (and still think a life long interest in martial arts and other tough sports was probably latent masochism coming out). However I'm also a switch - mostly when I'm feeling capricious in a fun way but I do have a thing for big eyed cute things that make me want to hit them...yum.

3. Favorite blog / site of the moment (kinky/spanking-themed):

I shall have to say Jessica as she writes hot and interesting things pretty much every day (more days than I have time to read right now :( )

4. Favorite non-kinky blog / site of the moment:

Erm I don't really read non-kinky blogs (I barely have time to read the kinky ones!) so probably Facebook as it keeps me in touch with all of my lovely friends. Or the Christmas shop section of websites like Debenhams, La Senza et al...Or maybe the BBC recipes site as I'm busy planning a dinner party...

5. Latest spanking fantasy floating in your head:

It's an interesting one. I think I have two definite modes that I go into when playing and which of these feels more comfortable influences that fantasies I have at any given time. These are 'good girl mode' which is when I'm feeling quite submissive, want to please people, don't necessarily want lots of pain unless it's to please them (so won't go out of my way to make trouble) and am generally feeling quite subby. This only comes out with people that I'm very comfortable as a lot of the banter and things are stripped away and so I have to be quite relaxed.

Then I have 'bad girl' mode where I tend to enjoy a lot more banter and battles and the emphasis of play tends to be towards punishment rather than being particularly submissive. This comes to play in group scenes that aren't generally about being particularly submissive but more about getting away with it or giving the Dom merry hell. I'm more masochistic when I'm feeling like this and a lot of the fun comes from the 'thrill of the fight' so to speak so a lot of my school, reformatory and more institutional fantasies fall into this headspace. This is also the headspace I am generally in if I'm playing with people I don't know well in clubs, the exception being when doing non-impact play like ropework or sensation play that tends to push me straight into 'good girl mode'.

So, after a long diversion my fantasies right now are more in good girl mode. I want less dungeons and resistance and more sitting at people's feet and having my hair stroked. Or being punished for my own good. I have a bit of a princess fantasy going of a princess being promised to a young prince and resisting his advances leading to interesting scenes in her sumptuous bed-chamber. He wants her to like him and respect him so won't just punish her until he breaks because he wants her to want him too. That sort of thing. All I need now is a castle...yum

6. Blogger you’d like to spank / be spanked by:

Lol I am not very good at this as there are not many dominant men's blogs that I read and know in person! So Jessica (if she's feeling toppy - otherwise she is the best fun to misbehave alongside) or Abel are probably my top candidates :)

7. Age when you lost your (consensual, adult) spanking virginity — if this has yet to happen, give us a prediction or goal!

Unless you count being regularly whacked with big sticks in martial arts classes (which you probably shouldn't!) I was 22 and it was with my boyfriend in my final year of uni. I uttered the immortal phrase "but you can't spank me, I'm the boat club captain!" This was very funny at the time. I came onto the wider scene at 23 and have been causing trouble ever since...

8. Favorite literary reference (excluding spanking stories!):

I'm not sure if this counts as a literary reference but it is probably my favourite quote:

"Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal." Ralph Vaull Starr

9. Strangest limit:

Styrofoam - it makes me feel really, really ill bizarrely.

10. Some Random Vanilla Trivia, in the grand tradition of memehood… Like, “what are you listening to right now,” or “what’s your favorite fruit,” or anything similarly banal.

The Legally Blonde Soundtrack, financial reports, raspberries :)

Dark and fluffy

Being away from home is having a strange effect on my kinkometre. I'm swinging between nice fluffyness and daydreaming about nice bedtime spankings and pretty new knickers and general 'good girl' play...and really dark fantasies with lots of tears and breaking. It's totally polarised my play brain. So...cute pyjama scenes or dark and stormy towers and tears and pain. Hum. Both are nice.

I also saw the cutest school uniforms in the World today (except for Lowewood) which has sent my school play brain skipping slightly. I did 14 hours travelling today so LOTS of time to daydream...

Pretty on the inside

"Slut-kiss girls won't you promise her smack
Is she pretty on the inside
Is she pretty from the back"

Or so sang Courtney Love to an angry thirteen year old me sitting in my dimmed bedroom burning candles and drinking Hooch with my equally disillusioned best friend. I don't think we thought we were pretty on the inside, though we were both Guides and I was already harbouring dreams of volunteering overseas. We certainly didn't think we were pretty on the outside but we didn't really care - we were becoming alternative - and that was cool.

As a grown-up the people I like the best are the ones who are pretty on the inside - the nice ones, the loyal ones, the ones trying to make a difference in hard circumstances, the clever ones, people who haven't been beaten down by the system. Inside is more important than outside. I sometimes just wish I could see myself in the same way because I know at heart I'm a good person - I work for a charity, I volunteer in various other things, I give up my seat on the tube for old ladies and donate to good causes. I try to be nice to everyone. But I still spend too much time worrying about whether I'd be more likeable if I was thinner or better at doing my make-up or wore more fashionable clothes. Would people love me more if I had perfectly straight hair and could bear to wear heels more often. Would having better skin and less cellulite make me a better person? I think probably not - so why do we all obsess about it so much? Why can I love others for being great people but get so stressed out because I look chubby.

Why does this remotely even belong on a kinky blog? Well because it's my blog and it's what I'm thinking about but also because the scene can be pretty body-centric. You spend hours getting ready to go out and want to look amazing, and when you see you look amazing you feel amazing and the world is a good place. The number one cause of spoilt scenes for me is probably catching a glance of myself in a mirror and not liking what I see, or worrying that my boobs are wobbling when someones whacking me. It's not just a social issue - it's a play issue because when I feel pretty on the outside I feel better, I enjoy play and relax and it's more fun. Which is horribly hypocritical and I guess I do feel the same and have more fun when I've just done something good for someone else but still a bit silly. As I don't worry about other people wobbling when I play - I just want to hold their hand and have a giggle. So why must I worry about me? I think it's probably a girl thing :(

All roped up and nowhere to go...

I am away from home, jetlagged and struggling with the kinky blogging - which is a shame because a few half-formed ideas are so hot they virtually beg to be put down on paper. It's frustrating but these trips seem to either inspire a train of filth or leave me high and dry.

What I have been thinking about is rope and the yummy associated spaceyness. Not to mention the snug and safe feeling when it is nice rope. Rope has the ability to make me very compliant and well behaved. On the weekend of the guinea pig incident (sniggers) the boy interest and I were playing around with some new rope and I was being a very good girl indeed - docilely raising this hand or that and standing still while he did pretty things. It was fun. I also got to do some lovely rope work out clubbing last weekend and there are lots of subsequent happy-Rebecca photos of me in a happy, safe, restrained place. All you need to add is the boy interest and a bit of hair stroking and I'm in 7th heaven...though lots of yummy whacking and abuse does that too. Seriously people though - comfy rope - it's the way forward (or upside down/back to front...)

Three's a crowd?

Living in a kinky girls' flat the issues surrounding poly and it's many permutations never stay out of the conversation for too long. Of the four of us I have the boy interest (though it's probably more accurate to say he has me :) ) and we can play with other people, one girl has a vanilla monogamous boyfriend (which causes all sorts of problems - particularly because she's very minxy and he is horribly possessive), another has a boyfriend but they play and have sex with other people and the fourth was in a poly relationship with a couple.

'Was' being the definitive word above as the last few days have been fraught with the break-up. Things hadn't been good for a while - they alternated between voicing their adoration and ignoring her when life got busy and so the poor girl's been up and down like a yoyo. At a party at the weekend they pretty much ignored her to play with another girl (henceforth to be called skanky ho bag) and talked about skanky ho bag visiting them and being their pet, which understandably really upset lovely flatmate.

All of this got me thinking about how well various dynamics do or don't work. I have several friends who have been badly hurt by being the third in a collapsed poly dynamic. I think the problem is that unless all three people meet at once the original couple have a shared history and tendency to divert to looking after each other when things get tough. You also have the issue of roaming eyes - if they spot something newer and more novel there's a fairly high risk that the third gets pushed away to make room in the cupboard for a new toy. Not pushed out, just pushed away, at which point self-protecting types walk away and take their independence over a dusty corner (aka most of my friends).

Don't get me wrong - I do think poly can work but am not sure about proper poly relationships - I do know people who have them but generally not all dynamics are equal, which seems to help. Please comment if you have your own thoughts! Some friends I have are a couple and have multiple girlfriends and special friends and coordinate it all via complex diaries, a ginormous bed and strict divisions of time - they swear by it. Others keep the emotional stuff monogamous but play and physical things are more flexible. Don't even mention all the various shades of grey!

What's great about our house is that we can talk about these things - so if someone has a problem with a playmate or kink influences relationship issues there are no barred topics. We can convivially discuss increased risk of STIs, problems with bruising between sessions and how to deal with someone's boyfriend wanting to have a threesome with a girl they don't like as we can problems at work or whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. Actually, I think threesomes are easier than the dreaded cleaning chat!

Thoughts, insights or experiences very welcome. I think it is quite an individual thing and dynamics very much depend on the personalities involved. What I know I don't like is people hurting my friends. The question is - is it pleasure doubled or sorrow doubled?

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a huge part of what we do. Vulnerability for subs in really letting themselves go and submitting to someone else's whims but also vulnerability for Doms in exercising what the mainstream labels as misogynistic or abusive. I've had some interesting discussions with guys who've always had urges to spank their girlfriend or tie them up but found it really hard to accept because they were 'nice guys' and it wasn't really socially acceptable. Likewise as a tough and independent girl sometimes part of my head questions what I'm doing in giving someone such power over me.

Having the confidence to let myself be vulnerable is a difficult thing it contradicts almost everything that I am. We moved a lot when I was a kid so I was often 'the new girl on the block' and learned to stand up for myself or be stood on. In a rough secondary school I struggled with being bright in an environment where that was a very negative thing - when you added an interest in music, drama and sport (it wasn't the done thing to be interested in anything) I was a natural target for bullies. I took up judo and earned a reputation as a bad person to pick a fight with because I'd hit back hard and was capable of being just as foul-mouthed as anyone who wanted to have a pop at me. Amusingly I gathered a bit of a following - I remember my Mum sitting in horror as I bought home kids who spoke solely in four letter words and would pick fights on my behalf. University was fabulous but I was socially a bit out of my depth as most of the others were from much more privileged backgrounds, my Director of Studies made comments about having problems with people from 'schools like yours' and was unable to understand that I *had* to work two jobs all summer if I wanted to come back next year at all. I've made my mark by my ability to stand on my own feet and still do - I'm ten years younger than anyone else in my current job, and confidence and presence are crucial for pulling it off - sometimes I laugh at how on earth I'm doing this job.

So, letting myself be vulnerable isn't easy and takes a great deal of trust. On a subconscious level it's probably a big part of why I'm wired to be sexually submissive - something has to give somewhere. It takes time for me to feel comfortable letting myself go with people, which is why I role play a lot. In big scenes like schools I don't have to be vulnerable - Rebecca at school certainly isn't. Some people I've played with probably don't think of me as being submissive at all. The boy interest and I did something new recently and afterwards he commented that he thought I'd fight more and I explained that I didn't need to as it was his choice and I wanted to make him happy and I trust him.

Being vulnerable really comes into play when you're one on one or in small groups. Letting myself stop fighting, whimper when something hurts or purr when I'm happy is important - it's part of the intimacy of what we do. Being vulnerable is really letting my playmates in, through all the barriers to a part of me that lies deeper inside. As I've grown as a sub it's something that I can do more easily but it's still a very personal part of myself that I can only relax into with people that I really trust and feel safe around.

You don't have to go to that part of your head to enjoy play - it's just another aspect - a bit like the fear factor. If I'm socialising with friends and someone jokingly pulls me over their lap or tells me off it's not an issue. As a bit of a masochist sometimes I don't want to be vulnerable and play quite tough characters - resistance is fun and the banter that goes with it can be very sexy and make for a great scene. But the bit where the resistance falters and I crumple and yield and let myself go is special and something I can only do with people I feel totally comfortable with.

The Fear Factor

The 'Fear Factor' can be one of the biggest rushes in a scene BDSM in general. The slightly sick, out of body feeling when you hear that tone of voice and the build-up has been just right. The looming realisation that something's going to happen and it's going to hurt and you deserve it. For me the fear factor is greatest in role play scenes as in reality tangible fears don't hold much sway over me (but don't get me started over the intangible fears). Be it the strict headmaster, the reformatory warden who is clearly a real sadist or a vengeful slave master someone people who can go with me to a place where I'm genuinely scared and subsequently repentant or at the very least cowed are wonderful.

There was a time in the not so distant past when the fear factor rose more quickly. In a couple of very memorable scenes when I was first dipping my toes into the waters of 'the scene' and BDSM as opposed to kinky games with a boyfriend I actually fainted. The fear (and shock) factors of being in a real dungeon with real implements I'd only heard about in books with someone I barely knew scared the hell out of me but in a really hot way. In all honesty the actual fainting wasn't hot but that level of nerves whenever someone so much as spanked me was.

The fear factor doesn't necessarily kick in because you're going to play really hard - it's a mindset. It's the build up, the uncompromising tone of voice, the unyielding nature of having to be in a certain position or respond in a certain way, the relentless hand forcing your head further down and the associated feeling of helplessness. The indicators that someone means business kicking in and you senses hitting a heightened level meaning less can even be more. I love it and the sick feeling in my stomach that comes with it.

Thinking about recent play it's not something that has been kicking in so much. The boy interest and I are experimenting with Ds and playing more as us (which is both scary and wonderful in a completely different way) and I don't seem to have got round to playing that type of imbalanced mind-fuck of a scene. This led to me thinking about why and I think part of it is being rather stressed with real-life issues and physically away, which has left me with less time to plot evil scenes and ferment bad behaviour - I haven't been playing so many 'formal' scenes and those I have played have been hot and fun rather than scary. I also have been too taken with the boy to meet new people. I'm not sure if you tend to have these scenes more with someone new but I think sometimes it can make it more scary but then as Emma Jane rightly pointed out if a scene is going to push your limits as part of the fear factor the trust of being with established playmates is absolutely crucial. Thinking about it has given me the urge to plan some scene that will push the 'fear factor' as looking back those scenes have historically been some of my favourites (and I may write about a few) but I throw the floor open - what gives you the 'fear factor'?

War and Peace

The boy interest jokingly told me last week (following the fighting back incident) that if I was a book I'd be 'War and Peace'. My response to this was "What - thick and boring?!", which he tactfully assured me wasn't the case. Apparently it's because I alternate between being very feisty and all mellow and mewly and am a little hard to read, which is actually rather clever of him.

You see I am very peaceful sometimes, lying and purring happily as the boy interest (or if we're honest anyone - I'm a bit of a sensation slut) strokes my hair or back. Being all good when he wants to do something horrible to me and doing as I'm told even if I know it's going to hurt. Cuddling up with my head on his chest after we've played and it's over and I'm a 'good girl' again. If you extend the 'peace' thing beyond the bedroom it's me cleaning the kitchen tonight, even though I'd rather go out or cooking nice meals when I'm tired or listening to my flatmates when I've got in from an awful day and just want to curl up in a heap. I also do my bit to keep the peace - I make a visible effort to be nice to people, even if I have no real reason to, give up my seat on the tube to old ladies and am learning to bit my tongue - that sort of thing.

Then there's the warlike Rebecca, who can be downright scary. Not just 'fighting back' in scenes but more often than not in my vanilla life. I'm off for an alumni weekend with university friends that involves us taking on other alumni teams and reliving the college rivalry, and the messages about 'not just beating them - breaking them' and 'shattering their dreams' have been flying thick and fast. I'm terribly, terribly excited as this has been on the cards since January and I'm organising our team and can't wait to get out there and give them hell (even though I'm not technically allowed but I'll tell my physio I was lifting a box...or something). Truth be told I love the thrill of the fight - giving everything and then a bit more to win and I always have, my friends joke about us having 'Rebecca power' because when I set my mind to something I have a tendency to beat the odds and pushing that is a huge rush. Having a hated rival (as we do this weekend) makes it even more fun because it gives that extra little frisson to drive you a bit harder. Warlike...me...never!

Still it's an interesting combination - war and peace that in some way parallels my kinky and vanilla lives. In my vanilla life I go out to bat against the world and usually win - having had to fight for everything I've ever achieved it's instinctive to do so. I'm a very good friend to those I care about (and will always drop everything if a friend needs me - no questions asked) but in battle I show my rivals no quarter because I know all too well if I do they'll overtake me, supersede me, replace me. That's why my submissive side is so important because it lets me yield without feeling weak, submit to someone else and enjoy a different set of values. If I want to sit with my head on the boy interest's lap during a party and go all subby and mewy I can...and if he wants to use and abuse me he can...unless he's trying to kidnap me. Yep - 'War and Peace' sums it up pretty well :)

This one fights back...

I want to blog on the somewhat sensitive topic of 'fighting back' or resisting in scenes and in this I include verbal resistance as well as more physical struggling. It's a sensitive topic because it tends to divide people into those who are horrified at the concept of a sub resisting (or resisting themselves) and those who enjoy it in context. I fall into the latter category and enjoy waging a battle that I will inevitably eventually lose to the Dom. Some scenes lend themselves better to this than others - truculent reformatory girls, recalcitrant school girls and captured girls condemned to a live of slavery spring to mind. Whilst playing scenes I am generally rather cheeky and I enjoy the banter and verbal sparring that works well in certain role plays - generally if I'm still being cheeky it means I'm up for more play and gives the scene a sense of impetus. Most Doms enjoy this - it gives their stern school teachers or wardens an excuse to bollock me and keeps the scene moving and lets them know that even though they're being really horrible I'm enjoying it. The inevitable 'breaking' in some scenes is the hottest bit but only somewhere I go with people I really trust. There are people that want their school girls to be terrified and obedient but we're generally a bad match so wouldn't play anyway.

The issue of physical struggle is even more difficult. As a qualified self defence instructor with years of martial arts experience I shy away a little from full-blown physical resistance because if I actually fought back there would be broken bones and blood - not exactly hot or sexy. Plus I want the Dom to win in the end. Some of my characters do resist physically - I once did a prison scene with a Dom and another girl and every time he tied one of us up we undid ourselves while he was restraining the other - very funny and no one got hurt. Sometimes struggling physically is fun but I probably only go for it with about 20% force - wriggling a bit and kicking playfully or putting my hand on their crotch to show that I could have hit if I'd wanted to rather than giving them true hell. To be fair 20% of Rebecca is more than most men can restrain anyway but I'd never actually hit anyone or do too much damage because it's not fun and I'm too scared of really hurting someone. I once did an incredibly hot scene with a 6'4" athletic playmate who had done some martial arts - he tied my hands behind my back and my ankles together (coward) and then told me to fight back properly...I rolled us both off the bed, elbowed him in the face and kneed him in the balls before he choked me out and I had to behave - incredibly hot as I knew I wouldn't really hurt him and then he got to punish me for being so difficult and it was all a total surprise.

I had a very surreal experience a couple of weeks ago during the kidnap scene that we organised for Jessica. I knew what was happening and had been involved in the planning but had always been a bit nervous about how I'd react. I was very good and let them restrain me and then when we were lying on the floor started fighting back and got a few good kicks in the shins in before we were transferred to the van (where I was too busy feeling sick to do more than kick at my captors occasionally) and was also good about being transferred to our secure venue (except for refusing to put on my shoes) because I didn't want to influence anyone else's play. It was later (after we were rudely interrupted by a the boy interest's Dad) that I kicked off. I let wrist cuffs be put on but then started fighting the ankle cuffs and despite my hands being restrained and the fact I wasn't hitting hard or doing anything that might really hurt anyone it took 3 guys to finish restraining me. I then proceeded to repeatedly try to escape as the poor boy interest dealt with me, answer 'Are you being to behave now?' with 'Fuck you!' and get more and more irate as the poor boy struggled to work out where his sweet girlfriend had gone and who this hellion was. I got angrier, he got more frustrated and it didn't work - if we'd kept going he would eventually have won but there was a time limit. All very stressful and a bit confusing.

On reflection I realised that the problem was that Rebecca rather than an alter ego had been kidnapped. Rebecca who was very sensible and well behaved to facilitate the kidnap but as soon as she got into headspace recognised she was being kidnapped. And being kidnapped was bad. Rebecca had years of martial arts training to empower her so started kicking off. If I'd been playing someone else it would have been fine - Molly or Dorothea would have been feisty but terrified but Rebecca isn't like that - she fights. There was a sanity to it as my subconscious told me not to throw someone down the stairs and into a cabinet when I had my leg behind theirs on the stairs and not to punch hard or go for any proper self defence targets like eyes but still it was scary because I've never reacted quite that furiously before in a scene.

Lesson 1 - Do not try to kidnap Rebecca unless you have at least 4 men to restrain her.

Lesson 2 - Recognise that conditioning runs deep and is part of you and not something to be altered. When planning scenes that require a different outlook be someone else. It doesn't matter if I quite happily am a good girl and let the boy interest punish me - if in headspace the conditioning will win through.

Lesson 3 - Real life kidnappers (Middle Easterners included) beware - Rebecca is a rubbish target and you would not get many camels at all - you would probably end up giving someone camels to take her!

Lesson 4 - Boy interest is lovely and long suffering!

Who do you think you are?

And other assorted nineties anthems...

Emma Jane recently posted an interesting blog about Balance. This is a topic that is very close to my heart, as someone who often has to choose between three or four vanilla engagements on a Saturday night before you even start to factor in kinky happenings. One of the things that I find difficult about 'the scene' is the difficulty in not becoming so drawn in that I abandon other friends who mean a lot to me. The challenge is that with kinky friends often being in closer proximity it's easy to fold to concerns about 'feeling left out' and skip occasions that are further afield. It's bad but 'being left out' has always been a great fear of mine so sometimes it's hard to stand my ground. It's equally important that I do, because although part of me needs to be sweet and mewling and abused, part of me needs to be alumni president, or a competitive sporty type or whatever other hat might appear on any given day.

As a lot of my vanilla gatherings with uni friends are scheduled a good six months in advance I tend to make myself stick to existing commitments, this becomes difficult when a couple of months later kinky friends make plans on the same weekend and I manage to factor both in, only to find more friends come up with something a month later. The problem is I don't want to let anyone down but have yet to obtain a time turner (anyone who has any ideas on this let me know!). As geographically my kinky friends are more together it can be hard to hear people planning things that I'll miss but to bail out on vanilla events with friends I only see once or twice a year would actually be worse. As I won't see them a week later to hear the gossip - it could be months but it can still feel hard at the time.

Then you have issues of balancing your 'subself' with the girl competing with people a decade older in the workplace or having a burning need to fight it out on the sports field. I found out yesterday that I have to pull out of the half marathon due to problems with my knee (bloody physio was like 'just because you're fit enough to ramp up your mileage that quickly doesn't mean your joints will follow suit') and am really gutted. There's a short race I'd like to do a week later but I'm supposed to be visiting the boy interest (also important as he's lovely) so what I can I do?

It's even a case of balancing my 'playself' between my 'good girl' headset that genuinely wants to please her Dom and playmates and make them proud and my 'bad girl' headset that wants to protest as she's punished or abused and to struggle against this (and actually gets off on this). The 'good girl' bit is the part of me that sweetly bares my thighs for playmates to smack in public and quietly gets off on doing what she's told and the knowledge that people are watching, or the bit of me that wants to sit quietly with my head on the boy interest's lap but the 'bad girl' takes three Doms to pin her down as part of a scene even when she's not really fighting or gives poor reformatory officers verbal hell.

I don't think it's schizophrenia - it's not as if I have separate people in my head - these mindsets are all parts of me but sometimes it's hard to juggle things and work out exactly who I am. However, I know this much - I like chocolate, ritualised punishment scenes, wine, playing on the dance mat with my crazy flatmate, being smacked and abused, being a sensation slut (slightly scary someone recognised this within 30 seconds of meeting me), winning whatever the cost, giving as good as I get, climbing the career ladder, being stroked, fussing over other people, climbing mountains and being a good little girltoy in pretty knickers and a corset. Ooooh and the seaside....Confused...me...never!

Corsets and vintage daydreams

I love this photo, mostly because it doesn't look very much like me. The black and white graininess somehow make it look quite vintage and I love the way the light is reflecting on my shoes.

It got me thinking about who I might have been...

A showgirl who had displeased her employer and was abasing herself to save her job, knowing full well she'd feel his crop for messing up her number after a few too many drinks...

An upmarket call girl, who knowing her client's tastes had laced herself tightly into her corset, using the door handle to tighten the laces before kneeling down and arching her back to wait...

A player in a 'Carrie's Story' esque world of slaves and auctions and obedience. Carefully preparing herself to await inspection from a potential master.

Or actually just Rebecca playing dress-up on holiday. I do love corsets though, something about the way they constrict your breathing and movement and force you to sit up straight and stand shoulders back, breasts forward is very sexy. Not to mention the flattering effect on waist size (trust me it's the only way I'll ever achieve a 24" waist!). All in all they tend to make me feel submissive in a very sensual way that wants to be stroked and abused and obedient and a 'good girl'. This contrasts fairly sharply to some of the characters I play during scenes who are very feisty (more about fighting in scenes later this week).

I think corsets are also evocative of a different era, long before the invasion of hoodies, trainers and jeggings. They weren't supposed to be comfortable and when worn for a long period of time could cause all sorts of health problems but they looked sexy and forced women to carry themselves in a certain way. They also restricted their activities - you could hardly row or climb mountains or play rugby very effectively in a corset. In real life I would have been the teenager repeatedly cutting her stays and evoking her governess's wrath but in a play sense they are fun and very effective for putting you into a certain part of your head.

So girlies is it just me or do corsets (and pretty knickers and stockings and all the other accoutrement's) make you feel different?

Love your curves...

I am not renowned for loving my body. Not that there's anything significantly wrong with it, it's just not quite as teeny tiny and muscle bound as I was in the height of my sporting days, when my mother used to jokingly refer to me as 'the hipless wonder'. It's also a 'girl thing' as by nature we're never happy with our bodies - we want bigger boobs, smaller boobs, more curves, less curves, hate our wonky little toe.

Having just got back from a few lovely days in the sun with the boy interest, which were mostly spent on the beach or by the pool I am feeling a hundred times better about my body. It's bizarre what a bit of sun and being justified in walking about in a bikini and tiny sarong and posing as a mermaid on rocks can do for your confidence. Enjoying your body reminds you why you love it, much like the glow you get after a good workout in the gym. The government should clearly prescribe beach holidays for all those with confidence issues...immediately!