Today is the fourth annual 'Love our Lurkers Day' organised by the wonderful Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts. So a chance for any shy, embarrassed or simply rather quiet people to say hello and delurk - I would love to hear from you. Why not just say hi, ask any burning questions you may have (please not why is your posting so erratic - yes I am a bit lazy!) or just give a big wave. The spanking community is wonderfully friendly and it would be great to hear from any new people...in fact if I don't I shall feel unloved and downright pouty!
As for delurking and blogging a bit more myself -later this week I promise :)
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
ERECTION SPECIALISTS
I know men like to let each other know that 'mine's bigger than yours' but surely this is taking penis envy a bit far? Amusingly the bloke in the van tried to stop me taking a picture but failed miserably...What will we see next?
'TRAMLINE EXPERTS
'MARKS GUARANTEED'
'I HAVE THE BIGGEST PADDLE'
'BRATS PULVERISED'
Feel free to add your own suggestions (yes, I am a little bored today!)
Monday, 5 October 2009
Back to School
For real rather than play for once. Having sorrowfully graduated, packed my bags, bought a suit and moved to London for a grown-up job three years ago it's more than a little surreal. I'm not full-time, as my job is 5 days a week (and more when I'm travelling) it's just one evening a week for three hours, plus at least as much reading again. All in all pretty manageable but when you factor in the job, friends, exercising, coaching and music making I have some worries about whether I'll make time.
Despite involving a manic dash across town after work and increasing fixation on dinner as the class progresses the whole process is quite nostalgic. Repeatedly going back to the union to see if my card was ready, photocopying journals in the library at lunchtime, hiding the last copy of the book I wanted because my library card hadn't come through (naughty by necessary), taking the piss out of the really annoying girl in the class, stocking up on shiny new highlighters, pens and paper - lots of things. The deadline deja-vu hasn't arisen yet as the first essay isn't due for weeks - a huge difference from my first degree when I was expected to churn out 3,000 words three times in two weeks! I am fully anticipating that I will still procrastinate gloriously over it though!
Another big difference is that I'll be in trouble if I don't do the reading or make deadlines - with the boy interest off to study to be a Master (ho ho) a long way away we've made some rules. I'm determined to be good and keep *that* particular rule as the course is something I really want to do for me...as for some of the others...we'll see...rules and Rebecca have a somewhat rocky relationship (hence the blog title). Still it is rather brave of him - the first guy who spanked me in my last year at Uni didn't dare impose rules around me studying, not that I'd have let him if he'd wanted to! It does feel a little like I'm living in interesting times as rules and me don't tend to mix but I think it's important to have some to help us maintain our dynamic over a distance - I'll probably live to regret it!
Despite involving a manic dash across town after work and increasing fixation on dinner as the class progresses the whole process is quite nostalgic. Repeatedly going back to the union to see if my card was ready, photocopying journals in the library at lunchtime, hiding the last copy of the book I wanted because my library card hadn't come through (naughty by necessary), taking the piss out of the really annoying girl in the class, stocking up on shiny new highlighters, pens and paper - lots of things. The deadline deja-vu hasn't arisen yet as the first essay isn't due for weeks - a huge difference from my first degree when I was expected to churn out 3,000 words three times in two weeks! I am fully anticipating that I will still procrastinate gloriously over it though!
Another big difference is that I'll be in trouble if I don't do the reading or make deadlines - with the boy interest off to study to be a Master (ho ho) a long way away we've made some rules. I'm determined to be good and keep *that* particular rule as the course is something I really want to do for me...as for some of the others...we'll see...rules and Rebecca have a somewhat rocky relationship (hence the blog title). Still it is rather brave of him - the first guy who spanked me in my last year at Uni didn't dare impose rules around me studying, not that I'd have let him if he'd wanted to! It does feel a little like I'm living in interesting times as rules and me don't tend to mix but I think it's important to have some to help us maintain our dynamic over a distance - I'll probably live to regret it!
Saturday, 3 October 2009
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is a huge part of what we do. Vulnerability for subs in really letting themselves go and submitting to someone else's whims but also vulnerability for Doms in exercising what the mainstream labels as misogynistic or abusive. I've had some interesting discussions with guys who've always had urges to spank their girlfriend or tie them up but found it really hard to accept because they were 'nice guys' and it wasn't really socially acceptable. Likewise as a tough and independent girl sometimes part of my head questions what I'm doing in giving someone such power over me.
Having the confidence to let myself be vulnerable is a difficult thing it contradicts almost everything that I am. We moved a lot when I was a kid so I was often 'the new girl on the block' and learned to stand up for myself or be stood on. In a rough secondary school I struggled with being bright in an environment where that was a very negative thing - when you added an interest in music, drama and sport (it wasn't the done thing to be interested in anything) I was a natural target for bullies. I took up judo and earned a reputation as a bad person to pick a fight with because I'd hit back hard and was capable of being just as foul-mouthed as anyone who wanted to have a pop at me. Amusingly I gathered a bit of a following - I remember my Mum sitting in horror as I bought home kids who spoke solely in four letter words and would pick fights on my behalf. University was fabulous but I was socially a bit out of my depth as most of the others were from much more privileged backgrounds, my Director of Studies made comments about having problems with people from 'schools like yours' and was unable to understand that I *had* to work two jobs all summer if I wanted to come back next year at all. I've made my mark by my ability to stand on my own feet and still do - I'm ten years younger than anyone else in my current job, and confidence and presence are crucial for pulling it off - sometimes I laugh at how on earth I'm doing this job.
So, letting myself be vulnerable isn't easy and takes a great deal of trust. On a subconscious level it's probably a big part of why I'm wired to be sexually submissive - something has to give somewhere. It takes time for me to feel comfortable letting myself go with people, which is why I role play a lot. In big scenes like schools I don't have to be vulnerable - Rebecca at school certainly isn't. Some people I've played with probably don't think of me as being submissive at all. The boy interest and I did something new recently and afterwards he commented that he thought I'd fight more and I explained that I didn't need to as it was his choice and I wanted to make him happy and I trust him.
Being vulnerable really comes into play when you're one on one or in small groups. Letting myself stop fighting, whimper when something hurts or purr when I'm happy is important - it's part of the intimacy of what we do. Being vulnerable is really letting my playmates in, through all the barriers to a part of me that lies deeper inside. As I've grown as a sub it's something that I can do more easily but it's still a very personal part of myself that I can only relax into with people that I really trust and feel safe around.
You don't have to go to that part of your head to enjoy play - it's just another aspect - a bit like the fear factor. If I'm socialising with friends and someone jokingly pulls me over their lap or tells me off it's not an issue. As a bit of a masochist sometimes I don't want to be vulnerable and play quite tough characters - resistance is fun and the banter that goes with it can be very sexy and make for a great scene. But the bit where the resistance falters and I crumple and yield and let myself go is special and something I can only do with people I feel totally comfortable with.
Having the confidence to let myself be vulnerable is a difficult thing it contradicts almost everything that I am. We moved a lot when I was a kid so I was often 'the new girl on the block' and learned to stand up for myself or be stood on. In a rough secondary school I struggled with being bright in an environment where that was a very negative thing - when you added an interest in music, drama and sport (it wasn't the done thing to be interested in anything) I was a natural target for bullies. I took up judo and earned a reputation as a bad person to pick a fight with because I'd hit back hard and was capable of being just as foul-mouthed as anyone who wanted to have a pop at me. Amusingly I gathered a bit of a following - I remember my Mum sitting in horror as I bought home kids who spoke solely in four letter words and would pick fights on my behalf. University was fabulous but I was socially a bit out of my depth as most of the others were from much more privileged backgrounds, my Director of Studies made comments about having problems with people from 'schools like yours' and was unable to understand that I *had* to work two jobs all summer if I wanted to come back next year at all. I've made my mark by my ability to stand on my own feet and still do - I'm ten years younger than anyone else in my current job, and confidence and presence are crucial for pulling it off - sometimes I laugh at how on earth I'm doing this job.
So, letting myself be vulnerable isn't easy and takes a great deal of trust. On a subconscious level it's probably a big part of why I'm wired to be sexually submissive - something has to give somewhere. It takes time for me to feel comfortable letting myself go with people, which is why I role play a lot. In big scenes like schools I don't have to be vulnerable - Rebecca at school certainly isn't. Some people I've played with probably don't think of me as being submissive at all. The boy interest and I did something new recently and afterwards he commented that he thought I'd fight more and I explained that I didn't need to as it was his choice and I wanted to make him happy and I trust him.
Being vulnerable really comes into play when you're one on one or in small groups. Letting myself stop fighting, whimper when something hurts or purr when I'm happy is important - it's part of the intimacy of what we do. Being vulnerable is really letting my playmates in, through all the barriers to a part of me that lies deeper inside. As I've grown as a sub it's something that I can do more easily but it's still a very personal part of myself that I can only relax into with people that I really trust and feel safe around.
You don't have to go to that part of your head to enjoy play - it's just another aspect - a bit like the fear factor. If I'm socialising with friends and someone jokingly pulls me over their lap or tells me off it's not an issue. As a bit of a masochist sometimes I don't want to be vulnerable and play quite tough characters - resistance is fun and the banter that goes with it can be very sexy and make for a great scene. But the bit where the resistance falters and I crumple and yield and let myself go is special and something I can only do with people I feel totally comfortable with.
Friday, 2 October 2009
The Fear Factor
The 'Fear Factor' can be one of the biggest rushes in a scene BDSM in general. The slightly sick, out of body feeling when you hear that tone of voice and the build-up has been just right. The looming realisation that something's going to happen and it's going to hurt and you deserve it. For me the fear factor is greatest in role play scenes as in reality tangible fears don't hold much sway over me (but don't get me started over the intangible fears). Be it the strict headmaster, the reformatory warden who is clearly a real sadist or a vengeful slave master someone people who can go with me to a place where I'm genuinely scared and subsequently repentant or at the very least cowed are wonderful.
There was a time in the not so distant past when the fear factor rose more quickly. In a couple of very memorable scenes when I was first dipping my toes into the waters of 'the scene' and BDSM as opposed to kinky games with a boyfriend I actually fainted. The fear (and shock) factors of being in a real dungeon with real implements I'd only heard about in books with someone I barely knew scared the hell out of me but in a really hot way. In all honesty the actual fainting wasn't hot but that level of nerves whenever someone so much as spanked me was.
The fear factor doesn't necessarily kick in because you're going to play really hard - it's a mindset. It's the build up, the uncompromising tone of voice, the unyielding nature of having to be in a certain position or respond in a certain way, the relentless hand forcing your head further down and the associated feeling of helplessness. The indicators that someone means business kicking in and you senses hitting a heightened level meaning less can even be more. I love it and the sick feeling in my stomach that comes with it.
Thinking about recent play it's not something that has been kicking in so much. The boy interest and I are experimenting with Ds and playing more as us (which is both scary and wonderful in a completely different way) and I don't seem to have got round to playing that type of imbalanced mind-fuck of a scene. This led to me thinking about why and I think part of it is being rather stressed with real-life issues and physically away, which has left me with less time to plot evil scenes and ferment bad behaviour - I haven't been playing so many 'formal' scenes and those I have played have been hot and fun rather than scary. I also have been too taken with the boy to meet new people. I'm not sure if you tend to have these scenes more with someone new but I think sometimes it can make it more scary but then as Emma Jane rightly pointed out if a scene is going to push your limits as part of the fear factor the trust of being with established playmates is absolutely crucial. Thinking about it has given me the urge to plan some scene that will push the 'fear factor' as looking back those scenes have historically been some of my favourites (and I may write about a few) but I throw the floor open - what gives you the 'fear factor'?
There was a time in the not so distant past when the fear factor rose more quickly. In a couple of very memorable scenes when I was first dipping my toes into the waters of 'the scene' and BDSM as opposed to kinky games with a boyfriend I actually fainted. The fear (and shock) factors of being in a real dungeon with real implements I'd only heard about in books with someone I barely knew scared the hell out of me but in a really hot way. In all honesty the actual fainting wasn't hot but that level of nerves whenever someone so much as spanked me was.
The fear factor doesn't necessarily kick in because you're going to play really hard - it's a mindset. It's the build up, the uncompromising tone of voice, the unyielding nature of having to be in a certain position or respond in a certain way, the relentless hand forcing your head further down and the associated feeling of helplessness. The indicators that someone means business kicking in and you senses hitting a heightened level meaning less can even be more. I love it and the sick feeling in my stomach that comes with it.
Thinking about recent play it's not something that has been kicking in so much. The boy interest and I are experimenting with Ds and playing more as us (which is both scary and wonderful in a completely different way) and I don't seem to have got round to playing that type of imbalanced mind-fuck of a scene. This led to me thinking about why and I think part of it is being rather stressed with real-life issues and physically away, which has left me with less time to plot evil scenes and ferment bad behaviour - I haven't been playing so many 'formal' scenes and those I have played have been hot and fun rather than scary. I also have been too taken with the boy to meet new people. I'm not sure if you tend to have these scenes more with someone new but I think sometimes it can make it more scary but then as Emma Jane rightly pointed out if a scene is going to push your limits as part of the fear factor the trust of being with established playmates is absolutely crucial. Thinking about it has given me the urge to plan some scene that will push the 'fear factor' as looking back those scenes have historically been some of my favourites (and I may write about a few) but I throw the floor open - what gives you the 'fear factor'?
Friday, 25 September 2009
War and Peace
The boy interest jokingly told me last week (following the fighting back incident) that if I was a book I'd be 'War and Peace'. My response to this was "What - thick and boring?!", which he tactfully assured me wasn't the case. Apparently it's because I alternate between being very feisty and all mellow and mewly and am a little hard to read, which is actually rather clever of him.
You see I am very peaceful sometimes, lying and purring happily as the boy interest (or if we're honest anyone - I'm a bit of a sensation slut) strokes my hair or back. Being all good when he wants to do something horrible to me and doing as I'm told even if I know it's going to hurt. Cuddling up with my head on his chest after we've played and it's over and I'm a 'good girl' again. If you extend the 'peace' thing beyond the bedroom it's me cleaning the kitchen tonight, even though I'd rather go out or cooking nice meals when I'm tired or listening to my flatmates when I've got in from an awful day and just want to curl up in a heap. I also do my bit to keep the peace - I make a visible effort to be nice to people, even if I have no real reason to, give up my seat on the tube to old ladies and am learning to bit my tongue - that sort of thing.
Then there's the warlike Rebecca, who can be downright scary. Not just 'fighting back' in scenes but more often than not in my vanilla life. I'm off for an alumni weekend with university friends that involves us taking on other alumni teams and reliving the college rivalry, and the messages about 'not just beating them - breaking them' and 'shattering their dreams' have been flying thick and fast. I'm terribly, terribly excited as this has been on the cards since January and I'm organising our team and can't wait to get out there and give them hell (even though I'm not technically allowed but I'll tell my physio I was lifting a box...or something). Truth be told I love the thrill of the fight - giving everything and then a bit more to win and I always have, my friends joke about us having 'Rebecca power' because when I set my mind to something I have a tendency to beat the odds and pushing that is a huge rush. Having a hated rival (as we do this weekend) makes it even more fun because it gives that extra little frisson to drive you a bit harder. Warlike...me...never!
Still it's an interesting combination - war and peace that in some way parallels my kinky and vanilla lives. In my vanilla life I go out to bat against the world and usually win - having had to fight for everything I've ever achieved it's instinctive to do so. I'm a very good friend to those I care about (and will always drop everything if a friend needs me - no questions asked) but in battle I show my rivals no quarter because I know all too well if I do they'll overtake me, supersede me, replace me. That's why my submissive side is so important because it lets me yield without feeling weak, submit to someone else and enjoy a different set of values. If I want to sit with my head on the boy interest's lap during a party and go all subby and mewy I can...and if he wants to use and abuse me he can...unless he's trying to kidnap me. Yep - 'War and Peace' sums it up pretty well :)
You see I am very peaceful sometimes, lying and purring happily as the boy interest (or if we're honest anyone - I'm a bit of a sensation slut) strokes my hair or back. Being all good when he wants to do something horrible to me and doing as I'm told even if I know it's going to hurt. Cuddling up with my head on his chest after we've played and it's over and I'm a 'good girl' again. If you extend the 'peace' thing beyond the bedroom it's me cleaning the kitchen tonight, even though I'd rather go out or cooking nice meals when I'm tired or listening to my flatmates when I've got in from an awful day and just want to curl up in a heap. I also do my bit to keep the peace - I make a visible effort to be nice to people, even if I have no real reason to, give up my seat on the tube to old ladies and am learning to bit my tongue - that sort of thing.
Then there's the warlike Rebecca, who can be downright scary. Not just 'fighting back' in scenes but more often than not in my vanilla life. I'm off for an alumni weekend with university friends that involves us taking on other alumni teams and reliving the college rivalry, and the messages about 'not just beating them - breaking them' and 'shattering their dreams' have been flying thick and fast. I'm terribly, terribly excited as this has been on the cards since January and I'm organising our team and can't wait to get out there and give them hell (even though I'm not technically allowed but I'll tell my physio I was lifting a box...or something). Truth be told I love the thrill of the fight - giving everything and then a bit more to win and I always have, my friends joke about us having 'Rebecca power' because when I set my mind to something I have a tendency to beat the odds and pushing that is a huge rush. Having a hated rival (as we do this weekend) makes it even more fun because it gives that extra little frisson to drive you a bit harder. Warlike...me...never!
Still it's an interesting combination - war and peace that in some way parallels my kinky and vanilla lives. In my vanilla life I go out to bat against the world and usually win - having had to fight for everything I've ever achieved it's instinctive to do so. I'm a very good friend to those I care about (and will always drop everything if a friend needs me - no questions asked) but in battle I show my rivals no quarter because I know all too well if I do they'll overtake me, supersede me, replace me. That's why my submissive side is so important because it lets me yield without feeling weak, submit to someone else and enjoy a different set of values. If I want to sit with my head on the boy interest's lap during a party and go all subby and mewy I can...and if he wants to use and abuse me he can...unless he's trying to kidnap me. Yep - 'War and Peace' sums it up pretty well :)
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Preparations...
My school shirt has gone in the wash and I've freshly polished my school shoes. I've laid out my school skirt, knee high socks, tie and a fresh pair of white knickers. It was the knickers that created something of a dilemma because they are plain and white but there's a lace band around the waist and I normally prefer my school knickers completely plain. They are pretty and new and still really quite chaste, no lace on the bottom area, maybe he won't even notice.
Tomorrow I will iron the shirt quickly when I get home from work and take off my work 'face'. Put my hair in bunches with black tartan bows and anxiously fiddle with them in an attempt to get them even. I'll sit on the bed and check my email but my mind won't be on it, pat at the duvet and fiddle with my hair and tie again. Sebastian will be most displeased if I'm anything less than perfect when I report to his study you see, the head boy has very high standards.
Too high if you ask me, I mean who really cares if your shirt is tucked in, you walk in the corridors and always raise your hand? I can guarantee no one will die if you don't but Sebastian takes these things very seriously, he obviously has nothing better to do. He takes some things even more seriously as he will impress upon me tomorrow.
The bizarre thing being I also have to prepare Sebastian's study - make the bed, put away the clothes and books strewn on the floor and all that. Rebecca may have a messy room from time to time but Sebastian certainly doesn't. Maybe I'll innocently ask him again if the pink flowery bedspread is a sign that he prefers boys as he sits upon it and takes me across his lap, tell him it's ok to like boys and that I won't tell anyone. Then lie there and whimper as I suffer the consequences. Maybe he'll decide to prove to me once and for all that he isn't gay...if I'm lucky.
Tomorrow I will iron the shirt quickly when I get home from work and take off my work 'face'. Put my hair in bunches with black tartan bows and anxiously fiddle with them in an attempt to get them even. I'll sit on the bed and check my email but my mind won't be on it, pat at the duvet and fiddle with my hair and tie again. Sebastian will be most displeased if I'm anything less than perfect when I report to his study you see, the head boy has very high standards.
Too high if you ask me, I mean who really cares if your shirt is tucked in, you walk in the corridors and always raise your hand? I can guarantee no one will die if you don't but Sebastian takes these things very seriously, he obviously has nothing better to do. He takes some things even more seriously as he will impress upon me tomorrow.
The bizarre thing being I also have to prepare Sebastian's study - make the bed, put away the clothes and books strewn on the floor and all that. Rebecca may have a messy room from time to time but Sebastian certainly doesn't. Maybe I'll innocently ask him again if the pink flowery bedspread is a sign that he prefers boys as he sits upon it and takes me across his lap, tell him it's ok to like boys and that I won't tell anyone. Then lie there and whimper as I suffer the consequences. Maybe he'll decide to prove to me once and for all that he isn't gay...if I'm lucky.
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