Look where I found on my travels...
Monday, 12 July 2010
Corner Time
"But you don't stand still...ever!"
Was my best friend's confused comment as I tried to explain a little more about what I was 'into'. Some of what we do is difficult for vanillas to grasp, particularly when it's not especially sexual and falls more into the 'DS' than the 'B' or 'SM' aspects of what we do. We've been talking quite a lot about it recently - she's going through some hard times with her partner and our occasional phone catch-ups have become much more regular. As I'm stressed out for different reasons it's been cathartic to talk to someone who knows me inside out for me as well.
We somehow ended up agreeing to talk about different bits of what I'm 'into' so she could understand and also because she's curious. I'm wondering if a pervert may be lurking in there somewhere but won't say more than that.
It was easy enough for her to understand some things. The spankings and canings and other painful pursuits make sense to her as another way of expressing the masochistic side of me that she knew well in sporting arenas. She gets why I'd enjoy fet clubbing and joked that after spending half my working life covered from head to toe in foreign countries it wasn't surprising that I needed to let my hair down - and our group were hardly shy about going out without much on anyway. The control thing she gets a little bit and understands that I need a man who can stand up to me be 'in charge' in the bedroom but questions things going beyond that. As an ex-history student she also understands why I'd enjoy role-playing but found some of it a bit strange (explaining a Victorian reformatory to anyone non-kinky is an amusing challenge if you're ever bored!).
Somehow though we really got stuck on the subject of 'corner time'. It's not something that happens very often or a huge kink of mine but she really fixated on it. A lot of it was not understanding the benefit for either me or the person enforcing it - it's not sexy or physical to an outsider and I think that makes it harder to understand. We talked a lot about the symbolism and also concept of reflecting before being punished and the humiliation factor as it's quite a juvenile position. How it can be an opportunity to swap from a bratty or 'high' head space into something calmer and more obedient and other things like that. That it's a way for a dominant to take control of the situation on their terms rather than necessarily dealing with something straight away.
She had a lot of sideways questions about how did people ensure that you really stayed in the corner. I shared the comic example of a Dom I'd played with quite early on who had made me hold a ping pong ball against the wall with my nose so I couldn't move at all. Unfortunately I'd sneezed, jumped in shock and accidentally kicked the ball which had dropped into a corner and behind the sofa. It was entirely unintentional but got me into trouble and she'd collapsed into fits of giggles as that was a very 'me' thing to do. I neglected to tell her about the occasion whilst role playing when myself and another girl had carefully shuffled out of the corner whilst the Dom wasn't watching as I didn't think it would help.
I'm still not sure how much she 'got' it in the end, although she was very fixated on the idea of me standing still bizarrely!
Was my best friend's confused comment as I tried to explain a little more about what I was 'into'. Some of what we do is difficult for vanillas to grasp, particularly when it's not especially sexual and falls more into the 'DS' than the 'B' or 'SM' aspects of what we do. We've been talking quite a lot about it recently - she's going through some hard times with her partner and our occasional phone catch-ups have become much more regular. As I'm stressed out for different reasons it's been cathartic to talk to someone who knows me inside out for me as well.
We somehow ended up agreeing to talk about different bits of what I'm 'into' so she could understand and also because she's curious. I'm wondering if a pervert may be lurking in there somewhere but won't say more than that.
It was easy enough for her to understand some things. The spankings and canings and other painful pursuits make sense to her as another way of expressing the masochistic side of me that she knew well in sporting arenas. She gets why I'd enjoy fet clubbing and joked that after spending half my working life covered from head to toe in foreign countries it wasn't surprising that I needed to let my hair down - and our group were hardly shy about going out without much on anyway. The control thing she gets a little bit and understands that I need a man who can stand up to me be 'in charge' in the bedroom but questions things going beyond that. As an ex-history student she also understands why I'd enjoy role-playing but found some of it a bit strange (explaining a Victorian reformatory to anyone non-kinky is an amusing challenge if you're ever bored!).
Somehow though we really got stuck on the subject of 'corner time'. It's not something that happens very often or a huge kink of mine but she really fixated on it. A lot of it was not understanding the benefit for either me or the person enforcing it - it's not sexy or physical to an outsider and I think that makes it harder to understand. We talked a lot about the symbolism and also concept of reflecting before being punished and the humiliation factor as it's quite a juvenile position. How it can be an opportunity to swap from a bratty or 'high' head space into something calmer and more obedient and other things like that. That it's a way for a dominant to take control of the situation on their terms rather than necessarily dealing with something straight away.
She had a lot of sideways questions about how did people ensure that you really stayed in the corner. I shared the comic example of a Dom I'd played with quite early on who had made me hold a ping pong ball against the wall with my nose so I couldn't move at all. Unfortunately I'd sneezed, jumped in shock and accidentally kicked the ball which had dropped into a corner and behind the sofa. It was entirely unintentional but got me into trouble and she'd collapsed into fits of giggles as that was a very 'me' thing to do. I neglected to tell her about the occasion whilst role playing when myself and another girl had carefully shuffled out of the corner whilst the Dom wasn't watching as I didn't think it would help.
I'm still not sure how much she 'got' it in the end, although she was very fixated on the idea of me standing still bizarrely!
Sunday, 27 June 2010
Inappropriate...
The hotel that we are hosting our annual workshop in is partly old and colonial, which has led to not a few inappropriate thoughts when the planning meetings get too stupefying. It's hardly fair to put me in a 150 year old colonial building that was originally a ballroom and is now used for conferences and to expect me to focus very well on presentations and the best position for the podium. My thoughts drifted back to the Rebecca I might have been 150 years ago - I suspect I'd still want to travel and be somewhat adventurous (something I get from my parents who are only just beginning to be able to do) and imagined arriving in the country as the wife of an ambassador or perhaps daughter of an ambitious merchant. The balls I'd have attended in that prestigious ball room, the arguments when I baulked against safety concerns in a foreign land and the inevitable consequences.
Living a double life can take a toll. Some people manage to merge the real life and bdsm sides of their lives reasonably well - they work in the arts or live an outwardly alternative lifestyle. For me that's just not the case and I take a perverse pleasure in being the last person that people would suspect. The model girl next door or altruistic career girl. It just gets very surreal when I'm reeling from a big scene or my mind is drifting to baser fantasies and then you snap back into it. I'm meeting some overseas colleagues for the first time and have somehow convinced them that I'm competent and there's the possibility of a job in Australia...but I could hardly mention 'what's the fetish scene like' in a discussion about practicalities with one of them. Although the possibilities for transportation scenarios are rather limitless...
I belatedly realised that yesterday was my 100th post - not many in over a year but I have had a bit of a hiatus recently so still a bit of a milestone I guess - but enough of the rambling!
Living a double life can take a toll. Some people manage to merge the real life and bdsm sides of their lives reasonably well - they work in the arts or live an outwardly alternative lifestyle. For me that's just not the case and I take a perverse pleasure in being the last person that people would suspect. The model girl next door or altruistic career girl. It just gets very surreal when I'm reeling from a big scene or my mind is drifting to baser fantasies and then you snap back into it. I'm meeting some overseas colleagues for the first time and have somehow convinced them that I'm competent and there's the possibility of a job in Australia...but I could hardly mention 'what's the fetish scene like' in a discussion about practicalities with one of them. Although the possibilities for transportation scenarios are rather limitless...
I belatedly realised that yesterday was my 100th post - not many in over a year but I have had a bit of a hiatus recently so still a bit of a milestone I guess - but enough of the rambling!
Friday, 25 June 2010
Renaissance
My world is on the move again hopefully for the better. All going to plan I'm starting a new job in a couple of weeks and escaping my psycho boss. Am in Sri Lanka facilitating a 'final fling' workshop but mostly just wanting to go to the beach. Feeling more engaged with my dark and dirty side than I have for a while, mostly due to being generally unhappy and stressed out (hence the lack of posting - too much about being sad, stressed and mixed up doth not good reading maketh). My doctor has worked out what's wrong with me and dosed me and my energy levels are slowly re approaching normal - I swam and hit the gym today despite being jet lagged. I've planned the trip of a quintecade (5 years) for August, may or may not be going on my own and still can't wait. Am still not too sure where certain things are going or even which way they should go but the sun appears to be slowly reemerging (the real sun probably has something to do with this - I'm a summer girl at heart) for which I'm eternally grateful. Whether it's knowing I've escaped the psycho boss, that the sun is out, knowing I'm going away this summer or what I don't know but am happy and my kinky libido is emerging blinking into the sunshine too.
Having had a couple of rather lovely play happenings recently has probably also had a lot to do with it :) It was nice to find that I was in the mood and felt more like me than I have in a while. But more about that another day - off to reconfigure a few more computers (hurrah!)
Having had a couple of rather lovely play happenings recently has probably also had a lot to do with it :) It was nice to find that I was in the mood and felt more like me than I have in a while. But more about that another day - off to reconfigure a few more computers (hurrah!)
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Feeling confused...
About what I want right now. The certain thing is more play - the boy interest is away, several play dates have been cancelled and work has been making it hard to get to clubs and events I'd like to attend. It almost feels as if the kink within and play-life that were blossoming a year ago have wilted away. I know why and don't like the reasons but they're hard to deal with. Part of me wants the darker intense scenes that I was leaning towards a year ago, things to push my limits, challenge my roleplaying abilities or propel me into experimenting with new things. Part of me wants the safe, comfortable things that right now I'm missing. All of me is more than a little mixed up.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Everything I am...
A teenager dreaming of faraway places or solemnly voicing ambitions to build schools and hospitals in Africa to a disbelieving PSE class whose desires rested upon flash cars and designer trainers.
A school leaver singing a rainbow with coloured balloons teaching quechua children English in darkest Ecuador or trembling with excitement at riding in the back of a pick-up truck for the first time. Pretending to be the sacrificial virgin at Machu Picchu. Living in rural Malawi, tackling Mount Mulanje in the rainy season and feeling as if she's truly awakening to the world for the first time.
A skinny student crossing a river in the Vietnamese mountains or sitting quietly in a temple somewhere in Thailand. Getting lost in Morocco and eating melon and discussing politics with an old man on a deserted roadside.
A girl with a radio in one hand and a map in the other in a muddy English field as we seek to deal with multiple casualties, broken vehicles and general chaos. Remembering what I'm good at and who I am when I'm at my best.
Work sent me on the most useful course ever last week which was all about travel safety and awareness. It certainly covered that but bizarrely has left me feeling more confident in myself having remembered that I am good in a crisis, do think quickly and that other people look to me as a leader. Things that can get lost in the general mire of life. Feeling exhausted and frustrated at work, dealing with friends and relationships and the grind of paying the bills all take it out of you and sometimes make it hard to see the wood for the trees.
Have decided to sod everyone and everything else and to book my adventure for this summer. All on my own, probably somewhere in Asia during the monsoon season. Bring on the spiritual reawakening and hopefully some time to remember who I really am because sometimes right now I worry that between work, relationships and kink I've lost a big part of me. And I like all of me - even the bits that are sometimes hard to fit into life in North-West Enders.
Have also decided to look elsewhere on the work front. They are messing me around, my boss is a psycho and I have had enough. At the very least hopefully it'll mean they take issues that I've raised seriously if I get another offer. Have applied for 4 things and been told I'm very likely to have interviews for two so that's all good.
Sod settling for less than I'm happy to fight for. Stolen from the lovely Echo's blog:
Fuck. That. Shit.
I don't think it's actually on her blog but I definitely got the link from her. You should check her out - not only is her blog named after one of my favourite Catatonia songs ever but she has lots of sexy and interesting things to say.
The plus side is that feeling good about me usually leads to feeling good about kink - so bring on the adventures in pervery as the springtime flowers bloom...
A school leaver singing a rainbow with coloured balloons teaching quechua children English in darkest Ecuador or trembling with excitement at riding in the back of a pick-up truck for the first time. Pretending to be the sacrificial virgin at Machu Picchu. Living in rural Malawi, tackling Mount Mulanje in the rainy season and feeling as if she's truly awakening to the world for the first time.
A skinny student crossing a river in the Vietnamese mountains or sitting quietly in a temple somewhere in Thailand. Getting lost in Morocco and eating melon and discussing politics with an old man on a deserted roadside.
A girl with a radio in one hand and a map in the other in a muddy English field as we seek to deal with multiple casualties, broken vehicles and general chaos. Remembering what I'm good at and who I am when I'm at my best.
Work sent me on the most useful course ever last week which was all about travel safety and awareness. It certainly covered that but bizarrely has left me feeling more confident in myself having remembered that I am good in a crisis, do think quickly and that other people look to me as a leader. Things that can get lost in the general mire of life. Feeling exhausted and frustrated at work, dealing with friends and relationships and the grind of paying the bills all take it out of you and sometimes make it hard to see the wood for the trees.
Have decided to sod everyone and everything else and to book my adventure for this summer. All on my own, probably somewhere in Asia during the monsoon season. Bring on the spiritual reawakening and hopefully some time to remember who I really am because sometimes right now I worry that between work, relationships and kink I've lost a big part of me. And I like all of me - even the bits that are sometimes hard to fit into life in North-West Enders.
Have also decided to look elsewhere on the work front. They are messing me around, my boss is a psycho and I have had enough. At the very least hopefully it'll mean they take issues that I've raised seriously if I get another offer. Have applied for 4 things and been told I'm very likely to have interviews for two so that's all good.
Sod settling for less than I'm happy to fight for. Stolen from the lovely Echo's blog:
Fuck. That. Shit.
I don't think it's actually on her blog but I definitely got the link from her. You should check her out - not only is her blog named after one of my favourite Catatonia songs ever but she has lots of sexy and interesting things to say.
The plus side is that feeling good about me usually leads to feeling good about kink - so bring on the adventures in pervery as the springtime flowers bloom...
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Purple Thursday knickers...
So this week didn't quite provoke the flurry of posting that I'd hoped for. In fact the outcome has been something a little akin to a non-kinky workhouse or sweatshop that has seen me toil for fifteen hours a day with little prospect of resolving half of the issues the team here are facing. Not that I haven't *had* kinky thoughts about living here in ancient times (the place has barely changed - it's utterly charming) and being a harem girl or a carpet maker's apprentice or something of that sort. It's just there hasn't been much time to write about it sadly.
However tomorrow I get to wear my purple satin 'Thursday' knickers and start the long journey home. You see, I fell in love with a pack of days of the week knickers in the January sale and eventually succumbed to the purchase. They are very sweet in different shades of pastel satin with the day embroidered on the front and two little bows. Knowing that this trip was looming and I was likely to be suffering the dreaded combination of feeling lonely and being under massive pressure at work I saved them. So that every day I've worn a different pair and could see how many days were left (which was somehow comforting on Monday - which was the day from hell) and got to wear a new pair of knickers which always cheers one up. The last pair which are lilac are laid out for me to wear tomorrow alongside my jeans and a t-shirt and other comforting western clothes.
It will be nice to get home, although this will be fleeting as I am off to Dublin for the weekend with Jessica, Eliane, Haron and Martha to visit Emma-Jane. Our sixth form weekend away will see us wreaking general havoc and hitting Nimneach on Saturday night so if you do see us do say hi!
However tomorrow I get to wear my purple satin 'Thursday' knickers and start the long journey home. You see, I fell in love with a pack of days of the week knickers in the January sale and eventually succumbed to the purchase. They are very sweet in different shades of pastel satin with the day embroidered on the front and two little bows. Knowing that this trip was looming and I was likely to be suffering the dreaded combination of feeling lonely and being under massive pressure at work I saved them. So that every day I've worn a different pair and could see how many days were left (which was somehow comforting on Monday - which was the day from hell) and got to wear a new pair of knickers which always cheers one up. The last pair which are lilac are laid out for me to wear tomorrow alongside my jeans and a t-shirt and other comforting western clothes.
It will be nice to get home, although this will be fleeting as I am off to Dublin for the weekend with Jessica, Eliane, Haron and Martha to visit Emma-Jane. Our sixth form weekend away will see us wreaking general havoc and hitting Nimneach on Saturday night so if you do see us do say hi!
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