Saturday, 2 April 2011

Ready or not?

I've been somewhat silent for the last couple of months because there really is only so much you can say about feeling hurt and lost. Intentions to throw myself into the munches and clubs of Melbourne weren't quite followed through as I realised I needed to establish a normal life first (though I did meet a couple of lovely friends). Not to mention having spent five of the last six weeks abroad with varying levels of internet access. I did see the cutest lion cubs though, which kind of makes up for it!

If I'm honest it's been more than being busy - I've not felt ready to head out into the big wide world and meet new people to play with. Too big a part of me has been feeling hurt, rejected, mistrustful and wondering why on earth anyone would want to play with me anyway. I've also been feeling sort of desexed.

Bizarrely after an awful experience in China a few days ago (robbed at knifepoint) being home has made me feel so much better. It's not like I have loads of close friends here but it's lovely seeing new friends, being in my own flat, eating normal food - lots of little things like that. While I've been away I've been having a bit of a flirtation on fetlife, despite stating that I was only really looking for friends. We had a lovely coffee and he gets me rather well and I'm wondering whether I'm ready to dip my toes with somebody new, or whether it's not a good idea when I'm often still tearful from the break-up.

It is strange how real danger can somehow make you feel more alive though, my energy levels are higher than they've been for a while, despite the jetlag. I actually feel like traipsing along to a club, cooking properly, trying out for a girls soccer team. I actually feel up for the prospect of taking a risk and playing with someone new but am a little wary of opening Pandora's box. He did have a lovely way of tugging my hair though...