Friday, 25 September 2009

War and Peace

The boy interest jokingly told me last week (following the fighting back incident) that if I was a book I'd be 'War and Peace'. My response to this was "What - thick and boring?!", which he tactfully assured me wasn't the case. Apparently it's because I alternate between being very feisty and all mellow and mewly and am a little hard to read, which is actually rather clever of him.

You see I am very peaceful sometimes, lying and purring happily as the boy interest (or if we're honest anyone - I'm a bit of a sensation slut) strokes my hair or back. Being all good when he wants to do something horrible to me and doing as I'm told even if I know it's going to hurt. Cuddling up with my head on his chest after we've played and it's over and I'm a 'good girl' again. If you extend the 'peace' thing beyond the bedroom it's me cleaning the kitchen tonight, even though I'd rather go out or cooking nice meals when I'm tired or listening to my flatmates when I've got in from an awful day and just want to curl up in a heap. I also do my bit to keep the peace - I make a visible effort to be nice to people, even if I have no real reason to, give up my seat on the tube to old ladies and am learning to bit my tongue - that sort of thing.

Then there's the warlike Rebecca, who can be downright scary. Not just 'fighting back' in scenes but more often than not in my vanilla life. I'm off for an alumni weekend with university friends that involves us taking on other alumni teams and reliving the college rivalry, and the messages about 'not just beating them - breaking them' and 'shattering their dreams' have been flying thick and fast. I'm terribly, terribly excited as this has been on the cards since January and I'm organising our team and can't wait to get out there and give them hell (even though I'm not technically allowed but I'll tell my physio I was lifting a box...or something). Truth be told I love the thrill of the fight - giving everything and then a bit more to win and I always have, my friends joke about us having 'Rebecca power' because when I set my mind to something I have a tendency to beat the odds and pushing that is a huge rush. Having a hated rival (as we do this weekend) makes it even more fun because it gives that extra little frisson to drive you a bit harder.!

Still it's an interesting combination - war and peace that in some way parallels my kinky and vanilla lives. In my vanilla life I go out to bat against the world and usually win - having had to fight for everything I've ever achieved it's instinctive to do so. I'm a very good friend to those I care about (and will always drop everything if a friend needs me - no questions asked) but in battle I show my rivals no quarter because I know all too well if I do they'll overtake me, supersede me, replace me. That's why my submissive side is so important because it lets me yield without feeling weak, submit to someone else and enjoy a different set of values. If I want to sit with my head on the boy interest's lap during a party and go all subby and mewy I can...and if he wants to use and abuse me he can...unless he's trying to kidnap me. Yep - 'War and Peace' sums it up pretty well :)

Wednesday, 23 September 2009


My school shirt has gone in the wash and I've freshly polished my school shoes. I've laid out my school skirt, knee high socks, tie and a fresh pair of white knickers. It was the knickers that created something of a dilemma because they are plain and white but there's a lace band around the waist and I normally prefer my school knickers completely plain. They are pretty and new and still really quite chaste, no lace on the bottom area, maybe he won't even notice.

Tomorrow I will iron the shirt quickly when I get home from work and take off my work 'face'. Put my hair in bunches with black tartan bows and anxiously fiddle with them in an attempt to get them even. I'll sit on the bed and check my email but my mind won't be on it, pat at the duvet and fiddle with my hair and tie again. Sebastian will be most displeased if I'm anything less than perfect when I report to his study you see, the head boy has very high standards.

Too high if you ask me, I mean who really cares if your shirt is tucked in, you walk in the corridors and always raise your hand? I can guarantee no one will die if you don't but Sebastian takes these things very seriously, he obviously has nothing better to do. He takes some things even more seriously as he will impress upon me tomorrow.

The bizarre thing being I also have to prepare Sebastian's study - make the bed, put away the clothes and books strewn on the floor and all that. Rebecca may have a messy room from time to time but Sebastian certainly doesn't. Maybe I'll innocently ask him again if the pink flowery bedspread is a sign that he prefers boys as he sits upon it and takes me across his lap, tell him it's ok to like boys and that I won't tell anyone. Then lie there and whimper as I suffer the consequences. Maybe he'll decide to prove to me once and for all that he isn't gay...if I'm lucky.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

This one fights back...

I want to blog on the somewhat sensitive topic of 'fighting back' or resisting in scenes and in this I include verbal resistance as well as more physical struggling. It's a sensitive topic because it tends to divide people into those who are horrified at the concept of a sub resisting (or resisting themselves) and those who enjoy it in context. I fall into the latter category and enjoy waging a battle that I will inevitably eventually lose to the Dom. Some scenes lend themselves better to this than others - truculent reformatory girls, recalcitrant school girls and captured girls condemned to a live of slavery spring to mind. Whilst playing scenes I am generally rather cheeky and I enjoy the banter and verbal sparring that works well in certain role plays - generally if I'm still being cheeky it means I'm up for more play and gives the scene a sense of impetus. Most Doms enjoy this - it gives their stern school teachers or wardens an excuse to bollock me and keeps the scene moving and lets them know that even though they're being really horrible I'm enjoying it. The inevitable 'breaking' in some scenes is the hottest bit but only somewhere I go with people I really trust. There are people that want their school girls to be terrified and obedient but we're generally a bad match so wouldn't play anyway.

The issue of physical struggle is even more difficult. As a qualified self defence instructor with years of martial arts experience I shy away a little from full-blown physical resistance because if I actually fought back there would be broken bones and blood - not exactly hot or sexy. Plus I want the Dom to win in the end. Some of my characters do resist physically - I once did a prison scene with a Dom and another girl and every time he tied one of us up we undid ourselves while he was restraining the other - very funny and no one got hurt. Sometimes struggling physically is fun but I probably only go for it with about 20% force - wriggling a bit and kicking playfully or putting my hand on their crotch to show that I could have hit if I'd wanted to rather than giving them true hell. To be fair 20% of Rebecca is more than most men can restrain anyway but I'd never actually hit anyone or do too much damage because it's not fun and I'm too scared of really hurting someone. I once did an incredibly hot scene with a 6'4" athletic playmate who had done some martial arts - he tied my hands behind my back and my ankles together (coward) and then told me to fight back properly...I rolled us both off the bed, elbowed him in the face and kneed him in the balls before he choked me out and I had to behave - incredibly hot as I knew I wouldn't really hurt him and then he got to punish me for being so difficult and it was all a total surprise.

I had a very surreal experience a couple of weeks ago during the kidnap scene that we organised for Jessica. I knew what was happening and had been involved in the planning but had always been a bit nervous about how I'd react. I was very good and let them restrain me and then when we were lying on the floor started fighting back and got a few good kicks in the shins in before we were transferred to the van (where I was too busy feeling sick to do more than kick at my captors occasionally) and was also good about being transferred to our secure venue (except for refusing to put on my shoes) because I didn't want to influence anyone else's play. It was later (after we were rudely interrupted by a the boy interest's Dad) that I kicked off. I let wrist cuffs be put on but then started fighting the ankle cuffs and despite my hands being restrained and the fact I wasn't hitting hard or doing anything that might really hurt anyone it took 3 guys to finish restraining me. I then proceeded to repeatedly try to escape as the poor boy interest dealt with me, answer 'Are you being to behave now?' with 'Fuck you!' and get more and more irate as the poor boy struggled to work out where his sweet girlfriend had gone and who this hellion was. I got angrier, he got more frustrated and it didn't work - if we'd kept going he would eventually have won but there was a time limit. All very stressful and a bit confusing.

On reflection I realised that the problem was that Rebecca rather than an alter ego had been kidnapped. Rebecca who was very sensible and well behaved to facilitate the kidnap but as soon as she got into headspace recognised she was being kidnapped. And being kidnapped was bad. Rebecca had years of martial arts training to empower her so started kicking off. If I'd been playing someone else it would have been fine - Molly or Dorothea would have been feisty but terrified but Rebecca isn't like that - she fights. There was a sanity to it as my subconscious told me not to throw someone down the stairs and into a cabinet when I had my leg behind theirs on the stairs and not to punch hard or go for any proper self defence targets like eyes but still it was scary because I've never reacted quite that furiously before in a scene.

Lesson 1 - Do not try to kidnap Rebecca unless you have at least 4 men to restrain her.

Lesson 2 - Recognise that conditioning runs deep and is part of you and not something to be altered. When planning scenes that require a different outlook be someone else. It doesn't matter if I quite happily am a good girl and let the boy interest punish me - if in headspace the conditioning will win through.

Lesson 3 - Real life kidnappers (Middle Easterners included) beware - Rebecca is a rubbish target and you would not get many camels at all - you would probably end up giving someone camels to take her!

Lesson 4 - Boy interest is lovely and long suffering!

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Who do you think you are?

And other assorted nineties anthems...

Emma Jane
recently posted an interesting blog about Balance. This is a topic that is very close to my heart, as someone who often has to choose between three or four vanilla engagements on a Saturday night before you even start to factor in kinky happenings. One of the things that I find difficult about 'the scene' is the difficulty in not becoming so drawn in that I abandon other friends who mean a lot to me. The challenge is that with kinky friends often being in closer proximity it's easy to fold to concerns about 'feeling left out' and skip occasions that are further afield. It's bad but 'being left out' has always been a great fear of mine so sometimes it's hard to stand my ground. It's equally important that I do, because although part of me needs to be sweet and mewling and abused, part of me needs to be alumni president, or a competitive sporty type or whatever other hat might appear on any given day.

As a lot of my vanilla gatherings with uni friends are scheduled a good six months in advance I tend to make myself stick to existing commitments, this becomes difficult when a couple of months later kinky friends make plans on the same weekend and I manage to factor both in, only to find more friends come up with something a month later. The problem is I don't want to let anyone down but have yet to obtain a time turner (anyone who has any ideas on this let me know!). As geographically my kinky friends are more together it can be hard to hear people planning things that I'll miss but to bail out on vanilla events with friends I only see once or twice a year would actually be worse. As I won't see them a week later to hear the gossip - it could be months but it can still feel hard at the time.

Then you have issues of balancing your 'subself' with the girl competing with people a decade older in the workplace or having a burning need to fight it out on the sports field. I found out yesterday that I have to pull out of the half marathon due to problems with my knee (bloody physio was like 'just because you're fit enough to ramp up your mileage that quickly doesn't mean your joints will follow suit') and am really gutted. There's a short race I'd like to do a week later but I'm supposed to be visiting the boy interest (also important as he's lovely) so what I can I do?

It's even a case of balancing my 'playself' between my 'good girl' headset that genuinely wants to please her Dom and playmates and make them proud and my 'bad girl' headset that wants to protest as she's punished or abused and to struggle against this (and actually gets off on this). The 'good girl' bit is the part of me that sweetly bares my thighs for playmates to smack in public and quietly gets off on doing what she's told and the knowledge that people are watching, or the bit of me that wants to sit quietly with my head on the boy interest's lap but the 'bad girl' takes three Doms to pin her down as part of a scene even when she's not really fighting or gives poor reformatory officers verbal hell.

I don't think it's schizophrenia - it's not as if I have separate people in my head - these mindsets are all parts of me but sometimes it's hard to juggle things and work out exactly who I am. However, I know this much - I like chocolate, ritualised punishment scenes, wine, playing on the dance mat with my crazy flatmate, being smacked and abused, being a sensation slut (slightly scary someone recognised this within 30 seconds of meeting me), winning whatever the cost, giving as good as I get, climbing the career ladder, being stroked, fussing over other people, climbing mountains and being a good little girltoy in pretty knickers and a corset. Ooooh and the!

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Corsets and vintage daydreams

I love this photo, mostly because it doesn't look very much like me. The black and white graininess somehow make it look quite vintage and I love the way the light is reflecting on my shoes.

It got me thinking about who I might have been...

A showgirl who had displeased her employer and was abasing herself to save her job, knowing full well she'd feel his crop for messing up her number after a few too many drinks...

An upmarket call girl, who knowing her client's tastes had laced herself tightly into her corset, using the door handle to tighten the laces before kneeling down and arching her back to wait...

A player in a 'Carrie's Story' esque world of slaves and auctions and obedience. Carefully preparing herself to await inspection from a potential master.

Or actually just Rebecca playing dress-up on holiday. I do love corsets though, something about the way they constrict your breathing and movement and force you to sit up straight and stand shoulders back, breasts forward is very sexy. Not to mention the flattering effect on waist size (trust me it's the only way I'll ever achieve a 24" waist!). All in all they tend to make me feel submissive in a very sensual way that wants to be stroked and abused and obedient and a 'good girl'. This contrasts fairly sharply to some of the characters I play during scenes who are very feisty (more about fighting in scenes later this week).

I think corsets are also evocative of a different era, long before the invasion of hoodies, trainers and jeggings. They weren't supposed to be comfortable and when worn for a long period of time could cause all sorts of health problems but they looked sexy and forced women to carry themselves in a certain way. They also restricted their activities - you could hardly row or climb mountains or play rugby very effectively in a corset. In real life I would have been the teenager repeatedly cutting her stays and evoking her governess's wrath but in a play sense they are fun and very effective for putting you into a certain part of your head.

So girlies is it just me or do corsets (and pretty knickers and stockings and all the other accoutrement's) make you feel different?

Sunday, 13 September 2009

Love your curves...

I am not renowned for loving my body. Not that there's anything significantly wrong with it, it's just not quite as teeny tiny and muscle bound as I was in the height of my sporting days, when my mother used to jokingly refer to me as 'the hipless wonder'. It's also a 'girl thing' as by nature we're never happy with our bodies - we want bigger boobs, smaller boobs, more curves, less curves, hate our wonky little toe.

Having just got back from a few lovely days in the sun with the boy interest, which were mostly spent on the beach or by the pool I am feeling a hundred times better about my body. It's bizarre what a bit of sun and being justified in walking about in a bikini and tiny sarong and posing as a mermaid on rocks can do for your confidence. Enjoying your body reminds you why you love it, much like the glow you get after a good workout in the gym. The government should clearly prescribe beach holidays for all those with confidence issues...immediately!

Home and Away...

Have had a bit of a whirlwind ten days that have made for an action-packed week of work. Rebecca went to school last Saturday, Molly made another appearance at the reformatory, I went on holiday with the boy interest for four nights and then we conspired to pull of a surprise kidnap scene for a lovely friend. So apologies for not blogging but sometimes life has to take over...and at least I have a few stories to tell and things to muse on.

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Reality vs. fantasy

I have recently realised that I find it very difficult to write about real scenes, even when sometimes I want to. Other bloggers seem to find this a lot easier, or at least are more disciplined about doing it. Whilst I ramble on quite happily about the ideas and headspaces that come from scenes, or fantasy scenes and images I struggle a bit on writing up actual scenes. When I do I'm rarely happy with them or don't like the way they've come out so they often never make it onto the blog, which is actually quite frustrating.

It's odd because I'm pretty comfortable in writing fiction and thoughts from scenes but seem to have a bit of a stumbling block over write-ups. So I put it off and the moment passes, or drafts are consigned to the rubbish bin. Part of me wonders if it's a little bit to do with being a bit uncomfortable about getting that far inside my own head when putting pen to paper. I also have a bit of a tendency to lose sight of the details when I'm playing - I'll probably remember being caned but probably not how many for example. Not unless it's a very rigid and formal play where the number is a focal aspect.

Strange though, and I must try to get better as it would be nice to record certain things for posterity...

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

What's in a name

As a kinky girl who likes to indulge in a little role-play with her slap, slap harder and please don't tickle I sometimes face something of a challenge in coming up with names. This weekend was no exception, after a stressful week I'd failed to email details of my character for the reformatory to my playmates (insert note - bad Rebecca) because I hadn't had the kink energy to come up with someone. The problem being that I already have a reformatory character that I love - but she is really not stupid enough to get sent to the reformatory for a 4th time. I came up with one name and then realised that I'd already used that name and got rather confused. As many of my friends also have multiple identities I also can't use their names and it really gets very complicated at times. Especially when you add real names into the mix...

So who are my various alter-egos?

Rebecca Williams:

Rebecca is my school play character and sort of invented herself when a couple of years ago on short notice I decided to be brave and to to Lowewood Academy for the first time. Rebecca is probably one of my more developed characters and unlike me at school is not overly bothered about anything but also isn't overly badly behaved (as a real schoolgirl I went all night clubbing on school nights, blackmailed the deputy head and almost got arrested on a school trip to Germany so total mayhem isn't that novel). She is just a bit gobby and often rather disinterested in lessons which doesn't always go down too well.

When I first came onto 'the scene' I also introduced myself as Rebecca at Hades and a couple of other club nights before deciding that I might as well use my real name. So Rebecca was an obvious identity for this blog when it started.

Rebecca also occasionally comes out to play as a medieval inn keepers daughter who gets horribly abused by the Lord of the Manor (and loves every minute of it whilst struggling and kicking up a great fuss).

Cassie Abbotts:

For those that used to read Lowewood Academy Cassie was my blog character. Cassie came about because when I auditioned for the blog I didn't want people (many of the writers were already friends) to know that it was me and so created another name. Cassie as a character was also different to Rebecca in many ways. Whilst as school days we can't all be extreme all the time in the blog you needed quite distinctive character traits. In many ways Cassie is closer to me as a person than Rebecca - writing about things you understand and places you've been is easier and produces more realistic scenarios and so it wasn't incidental that Cassie had some of the adventures that she did. Writing Cassie was a lot of fun but she was primarily a fictional character, although I have played as her on occasion and it's fun as she takes few prisoners. The problem being by the time she emerged Rebecca had already slotted into school days and made friends I felt it would be odd to suddenly play someone else.

Tessie Blackmore:

Tessie is my main reformatory character and one of my favourite characters to play. Tessie hates authority but is half accepting of the reformatory and just wants to get it over and done with. Tessie is the leader of a gang of thieves and urchins and got dobbed in by a rival, who she will probably kick the sh*t out of upon escaping the reformatory. In a later play she had attempted to hijack a ship in order to go and find her father who was deported when she was four. The hijack was a great success but unfortunately her gang made better pirates than sailors! Tessie is bright but uneducated and has no interest in a 'straight' occupation. Attempting to run away, stoicism and generally wrecking havoc are Tessie's favourite past times.

Lady Henrietta:

Aka Hetta was my first regency character. Henrietta was born in America and educated at one of the first female universities so is extremely outspoken. Until her parents died she was unaware that she was in fact the grand daughter of the Earl of Charnwood. Following his son's death he recalled her to England (and was somewhat shocked that she travelled there via Paris and Rome) but was horrified to discover that she was fiercely independent, managing her parents business and not the gentle manipulable flower that he had hoped for. Hetta is fun but the period correct women's lib can be quite challenging. One of her finest moments was possibly wrestling a gun from the hands of an intruder. Surprisingly Henrietta does enjoy needlework!


Is my new, somewhat more mellow regency character for this year. Sweeter and more mellow and being educated by the formidable Miss Anstruthers, her full profile is here

Millie Blackstock:

Millie was a factory girl character that I created for a play with Jessica in which we were threatening a strike unless we got better working conditions. Millie and her counterpart unfortunately created a bit of a stalemate with the overseer in that they were mostly right...

Molly Cranleigh:

Was my new reformatory character, an eighteen year old who attempted to stow away on a ship in order to avoid marriage to the baker's son. Her father owned a general shop. Molly was quite nervous in the reformatory and ended up pretty much agreeing to work at her fellow inmate's 'lodging house' in order to earn her passage to New York.


Was a harem girl character who was not generally too keen on being in a harem so a bit of a handful (not that being a bit of a handful is characteristic of me at play at all...)

Posie Locke:

Posie came into being with an ex-boyfriend who wanted to try a play in which I was a bit younger (I don't really go younger than 16) and so Posie was 12 and a 40s girl and very sweet and shy. It was quite fun but as ageplay isn't a big thing for me isn't a character that I've really explored.

You see it's very difficult because when you create a character the name has to 'feel' right and I'm begining to run out of names...