Friday, 25 September 2009

War and Peace

The boy interest jokingly told me last week (following the fighting back incident) that if I was a book I'd be 'War and Peace'. My response to this was "What - thick and boring?!", which he tactfully assured me wasn't the case. Apparently it's because I alternate between being very feisty and all mellow and mewly and am a little hard to read, which is actually rather clever of him.

You see I am very peaceful sometimes, lying and purring happily as the boy interest (or if we're honest anyone - I'm a bit of a sensation slut) strokes my hair or back. Being all good when he wants to do something horrible to me and doing as I'm told even if I know it's going to hurt. Cuddling up with my head on his chest after we've played and it's over and I'm a 'good girl' again. If you extend the 'peace' thing beyond the bedroom it's me cleaning the kitchen tonight, even though I'd rather go out or cooking nice meals when I'm tired or listening to my flatmates when I've got in from an awful day and just want to curl up in a heap. I also do my bit to keep the peace - I make a visible effort to be nice to people, even if I have no real reason to, give up my seat on the tube to old ladies and am learning to bit my tongue - that sort of thing.

Then there's the warlike Rebecca, who can be downright scary. Not just 'fighting back' in scenes but more often than not in my vanilla life. I'm off for an alumni weekend with university friends that involves us taking on other alumni teams and reliving the college rivalry, and the messages about 'not just beating them - breaking them' and 'shattering their dreams' have been flying thick and fast. I'm terribly, terribly excited as this has been on the cards since January and I'm organising our team and can't wait to get out there and give them hell (even though I'm not technically allowed but I'll tell my physio I was lifting a box...or something). Truth be told I love the thrill of the fight - giving everything and then a bit more to win and I always have, my friends joke about us having 'Rebecca power' because when I set my mind to something I have a tendency to beat the odds and pushing that is a huge rush. Having a hated rival (as we do this weekend) makes it even more fun because it gives that extra little frisson to drive you a bit harder.!

Still it's an interesting combination - war and peace that in some way parallels my kinky and vanilla lives. In my vanilla life I go out to bat against the world and usually win - having had to fight for everything I've ever achieved it's instinctive to do so. I'm a very good friend to those I care about (and will always drop everything if a friend needs me - no questions asked) but in battle I show my rivals no quarter because I know all too well if I do they'll overtake me, supersede me, replace me. That's why my submissive side is so important because it lets me yield without feeling weak, submit to someone else and enjoy a different set of values. If I want to sit with my head on the boy interest's lap during a party and go all subby and mewy I can...and if he wants to use and abuse me he can...unless he's trying to kidnap me. Yep - 'War and Peace' sums it up pretty well :)


Jessica said...

Sweet thing, one of the things that makes you such fun is that you are complicated. Don't change a thing. Just be you. That's the person I like!

Indy said...

I love the bit about yielding without showing weakness. And it's good to have some dynamic range in your personality!