Monday, 13 September 2010

Back to College

I go back to college on Thursday to study for a qualification I don't really want. Exams, assessments, homework, long Thursday evenings and Saturdays of studying something I don't *really* care about to be something I don't really want to be. Going back wasn't the easiest decision but however much I stamp my feet about it I *am* working in finance for now for very good reasons. And if I am working in finance and my employers will pay for it then it would be extremely foolish not to take the last few exams to earn my chartered status. It is one of those 'right' decisions that you don't like very much but sort of have to accept.

Thing is, I dropped out of the exams two years ago somewhat dramatically by basically failing a paper on purpose. The same paper that I'm starting this week. The rational part of me knows I just need to get on with it but the other part of me is already griping. I finally sat down to do my pre-course work and realised that I can't actually access it on this computer. I have four online tests to do by Thursday and haven't even started. The worst thing is deep down I just don't care - it's like being a student again and finishing printing an assignment due at 4pm at 3.59 and sprinting to hand it in. The stupid thing is I'm not a student, I'm a grown-up and that part of me recognises that I need to do it for my career, that my employer won't be happy if I fail but some deeper part is still rebelling against it.

I'm trying to decide if I should get someone to 'mentor' me over it and thrash me in a way I won't like if I get behind or if that's a bad idea. I've never reacted very well to 'real life' discipline, my best friend frequently jokes that I have 'a problem with authority' and it's probably true. Somewhere along the line I got bored of playing by the rules and being the perfect student, bored of life's constrictions and started to see how much I could get away with. Maybe it's gone too far and I should ask someone to help me stay on track for this course. Because in all honesty if I don't pass it won't be because I couldn't, it'll be because I didn't.