Catharsis

We all go to some dark places, places that on one level we seek to avoid but on another are compelled to explore. Places that take you beyond the 'nice' side of the scene, beyond the characters we hide behind and onto something deeper. Sometimes characters can guide the way but it's somewhere you have to allow your real self to go, something you have to admit is what you need and allow yourself to yield to.

Sometimes we all need to break a little bit, to go past the banter and joking and on to shakier ground. We have to let the thing we do pierce the surface into who we really are, what we want but most of all what we fear. It can be a tone of voice that takes us from lighter things into what lies beneath, it can be a planned punishment or sometimes it can be entirely unintentional and happen when playing just strikes a chord.

It's cathartic crying, giving in and quietly atoning. An interesting facet of many submissives is that we're closet perfectionists and want everything to be just so. It's not enough to score nine shots in life out of ten, we want the full set. It's not enough to be good at our jobs, have friends we adore, do some good in the world and to be healthy - we want to be the best we can and to rest assured that we've left no stone unturned in the pursuit of opportunity. The problem is often you can't live up to your demands upon yourself and hate yourself for not quite making the grade. That's when you need to break a little bit because it's cathartic, to cry about the open door left unexplored and to tell yourself that it's ok not to be perfect. Just sometimes you need that sort of catharsis and chance to let it all go. Sometimes.

All I want for Christmas...

Inspired by Jessica's post I've been having a think about what I want for Christmas. Ideally all metaphorically wrapped up in pretty paper with shiny ribbons. I have after all, mostly been a very good girl and paid the price when I'm not. Obviously I would have asked for World Peace but my friend LJ got there first so here are a few other ideas...

1. For there to be enough snow overnight to make tomorrow a snow day! It's settled a bit Santa but we're not quite there and I'd really like the day off work.

2. A special porting device so I can just pop 6 hours down the road to see the boy interest or he can come and see me. Yes I know it's only until the summer Santa but just think how much better a girl I'd be if he was able to deal with misbehaviour more frequently. There only so much you can fit into a weekend after all...

3. A proper heart in mouth scary institutional scene. With nowhere to run away too. And to be in the right headspace for it. And lots of cuddles afterwards (demanding...me...never).

4. Lots of gorgeous underwear - there are some cute silky ones at What Katie Did I'm particularly coveting Santa but so many more. A fabulous dresser and a big enough bedroom would also be very helpful.

5. To get over my recent under the weatherness. I'm sick of being banned from strenuous exercise and generally feeling tired and run down. I mean there are fit army men waiting to shout at me and make me run up hills - this is very inconvenient! This would probably also help me to loose the post birthday/Christmas cocktail belly!

6. More kinky clubbing and socialising. I love getting all dressed up and going out. I love it even more when toppy sorts abuse me and show me off.

7. Needleplay - I really want to try this, just a few ideally with a pretty design. It's just I'm needle phobic so I think it would either be a huge rush or a disaster but I'll risk it for the huge rush.

8. To go properly travelling again - backpacking somewhere exciting, staying in dodgy hostels and meeting loads of randoms. Having a loose idea of where I'm going but no set itinerary. Sleeping in a hammock. Holidays and work trips just don't cut it - I wanna be footloose again.

9. People to want to play with me. I hate pushing myself forward but it's annoying when you get left out because other people are more willing to fling themselves forward.

10. A really nice bubble bath with nice smelling things and preferably a sore bottom to soak.

11. To do a scene in a castle. Preferably with thick oak beams, stone walls and the wind wailing outside. And the boy interest looking sexy in his breeches.

12. A nice yummy sensual flogging that hurts just the right amount and leaves me aching for more.

13. More bedtime spankings because pyjamas and spankings are just the best combination ever. Plus there's that nice soporific glow. Yummy.

14. More fabulous headspacey events and play scenarios that just work and make me believe it. Preferably with some of my favourite people.

15. More space - I currently live in a really small room and it would be fab to have more space to play and entertain friends. I like having dinner parties and would like to organise more play events but just don't have space. In the space I'd also quite like my own school desk...

I promise to be very good Santa and help old ladies cross the road and not drop litter.

Hope you get lots of mince pies and carrots for Rudolph on Christmas Eve,

Rebecca xox

Rude 12 Days of Christmas

I have just come back from the Christmas party for a charity show I play in the band for each year. A rude version of the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' is traditional with the group dividing into 6 groups and taking two days of Christmas each. Our group came up with 'Two pierced nipples' and 'Ten prince alberts' but classics included 'A blow job down an alley' and 'Eight anal beads'...All rather shocking in our local pub who tolerate us because for four glorious months we're regulars after every rehearsal...and we can certainly drink! Am now thinking that a kinky version should be invented forthwith...

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me..a tawsing with a Lochgelly?

Anyone care to add to it?

Graham's meme

Hello lovely people, I'm afraid I've been somewhat stuck in a blogging black hole and so apologies for the lack of posts recently. My stress levels with real-life stuff are approaching stratospheric, I've been sickly and busy and think I'm probably suffering from something akin to burn-out. This is a bit of a shame as I have a lot of half-written blog posts, not to mention the rest of my house party diaries (as thus far I'm half-way through Friday evening). So at some point when I've had a chance to recharge my batteries a little there will be lots of lovely posts...maybe even daily...maybe!

In the meantime I am feeling rather inspired by the lovely Graham's meme and so thought I'd answer that...

1. Tell us your Kinsey rating! (That is, where you fall, approximately, on the spectrum of sexuality, with zero being “only attracted to members of the opposite sex” and six being “only attracted to members of the same sex.” Follow the link for the full breakdown.)

I think I fall somewhere between a 1 and a 2, I'm mostly heterosexual and can't really imagine a relationship with a girl but I do fancy them. Girls are soft and pretty and have nice hair and curvy bits and that's very sexy. Girls make me go all strokey and cuddly and it's somehow more platonic but also quite naughty. Most of the time I'd go for men though - cocks are fun... and muscles, strength and just not being quite so soft - men are dangerous. Please don't flame me about girls having muscles - I used to leg-press over 200kgs when I rowed - I know girls have muscles too - it's just sort of different!

2. Spanking / BDSM “type” that suits you best (switch, top, masochist, grand-master-wizard, etc.):

Much as I'd like to claim to be a grandmaster wizard it's simply not true. I'm not very good at picking boxes though. To special people (the boy interest and a couple of others) I'm submissive but I'm certainly not for things like club play or group scenes - I guess then I'm a bottom. I'm not a pure masochist - all pain doesn't excite but I am masochistic (and still think a life long interest in martial arts and other tough sports was probably latent masochism coming out). However I'm also a switch - mostly when I'm feeling capricious in a fun way but I do have a thing for big eyed cute things that make me want to hit them...yum.

3. Favorite blog / site of the moment (kinky/spanking-themed):

I shall have to say Jessica as she writes hot and interesting things pretty much every day (more days than I have time to read right now :( )

4. Favorite non-kinky blog / site of the moment:

Erm I don't really read non-kinky blogs (I barely have time to read the kinky ones!) so probably Facebook as it keeps me in touch with all of my lovely friends. Or the Christmas shop section of websites like Debenhams, La Senza et al...Or maybe the BBC recipes site as I'm busy planning a dinner party...

5. Latest spanking fantasy floating in your head:

It's an interesting one. I think I have two definite modes that I go into when playing and which of these feels more comfortable influences that fantasies I have at any given time. These are 'good girl mode' which is when I'm feeling quite submissive, want to please people, don't necessarily want lots of pain unless it's to please them (so won't go out of my way to make trouble) and am generally feeling quite subby. This only comes out with people that I'm very comfortable as a lot of the banter and things are stripped away and so I have to be quite relaxed.

Then I have 'bad girl' mode where I tend to enjoy a lot more banter and battles and the emphasis of play tends to be towards punishment rather than being particularly submissive. This comes to play in group scenes that aren't generally about being particularly submissive but more about getting away with it or giving the Dom merry hell. I'm more masochistic when I'm feeling like this and a lot of the fun comes from the 'thrill of the fight' so to speak so a lot of my school, reformatory and more institutional fantasies fall into this headspace. This is also the headspace I am generally in if I'm playing with people I don't know well in clubs, the exception being when doing non-impact play like ropework or sensation play that tends to push me straight into 'good girl mode'.

So, after a long diversion my fantasies right now are more in good girl mode. I want less dungeons and resistance and more sitting at people's feet and having my hair stroked. Or being punished for my own good. I have a bit of a princess fantasy going of a princess being promised to a young prince and resisting his advances leading to interesting scenes in her sumptuous bed-chamber. He wants her to like him and respect him so won't just punish her until he breaks because he wants her to want him too. That sort of thing. All I need now is a castle...yum

6. Blogger you’d like to spank / be spanked by:

Lol I am not very good at this as there are not many dominant men's blogs that I read and know in person! So Jessica (if she's feeling toppy - otherwise she is the best fun to misbehave alongside) or Abel are probably my top candidates :)

7. Age when you lost your (consensual, adult) spanking virginity — if this has yet to happen, give us a prediction or goal!

Unless you count being regularly whacked with big sticks in martial arts classes (which you probably shouldn't!) I was 22 and it was with my boyfriend in my final year of uni. I uttered the immortal phrase "but you can't spank me, I'm the boat club captain!" This was very funny at the time. I came onto the wider scene at 23 and have been causing trouble ever since...

8. Favorite literary reference (excluding spanking stories!):

I'm not sure if this counts as a literary reference but it is probably my favourite quote:

"Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal." Ralph Vaull Starr

9. Strangest limit:

Styrofoam - it makes me feel really, really ill bizarrely.

10. Some Random Vanilla Trivia, in the grand tradition of memehood… Like, “what are you listening to right now,” or “what’s your favorite fruit,” or anything similarly banal.

The Legally Blonde Soundtrack, financial reports, raspberries :)

Arrivals

From the Diary of Dorothea Latimer

Friday 20th November, 1809

Under Mrs Derby's watchful eye I assisted in the packing of our carriage and the accompanying wagons in the drizzling rain. The aim was to allow me the opportunity to practice some of what I had learned of household management, which will be essential if I am fortunate enough to make a good match. Despite having been out for several months now the thought still seems daunting, it is one thing to practice preparing place laying and menus with ones governess, it is quite another to contemplate hostessing my own events. Indeed, I have no idea how Mrs Derby manages to pull things together so seamlessly. The reality is should I make a good match this season my husband would expect me hostess at least small events by this time next year, I really must improve my flower arrangements if that's to be the case. Perhaps I can ask Lady Cavendish to join me for tea and teach me a few tricks as her arrangements bloomed most beautifully.

The journey was long in the inclement weather, though time passed quickly as Mrs Derby quizzed me upon the precedence and reminded Lord Fawcett of the foibles of his various guests. I was also allowed to read her copy of the Daily Sketch, which was hot off the press and contained some most interesting gossip pertaining to several of the other guests. I stowed various snippets away in my head, hoping they would be useful conversation points later in the evening.

The staff at Fawcett Hall were flawless and there was even a charming maid named Kitty who was assigned to assist my roommates and I with unpacking our trunks and dresses. I was to share a room with Lady Francesca, a sweet girl who I had met at a previous dinner hosted by Lord Fawcett and Lady Cecily, who was new to my acquaintance if somewhat preceded by her reputation as a reformatory girl in the Sketch!

We chatted about the coming weekend as we bathed and prepared for the drinks reception. I had a new dress in pale blue silk and a blue feather and amethyst tiara borrowed from Mrs Derby for my hair. Lady Francesca was resplendent in purple velvet and Lady Cecily in forest green. Another friend, Lady Grace joined us and the four of us descended the stairs together. The champagne was flowing and the gentlemen looked most dashing in their breeches and waistcoats. I congratulated Sir Abel on his appointment as Chief Punishment Officer and held back my giggles as Lady Francesca proclaimed her views that corporal punishment was not suitable for young ladies. Apparently she and Lady Grace had succeeded in talking their governess around to this viewpoint, I have no idea how. I fear Miss Anstruthers would have combusted on the spot had I suggested such a thing, and besides regular discipline is efficacious for young ladies and assists in avoiding serious mishaps that could lead to sterner measures.

My dining companion for the evening was a Mr Random, who had recently won a duel fought in the nude against Sir Mulberry Hawke. I was a little perturbed by his suggestion that in order to have a political discussion one must be nude and by some of his other references but attempted to steer him to less risque topics. The food was divine, especially the beautifully peeled grapes that made the stuffed quail. If Father's chef was as talented as Lord Fawcett I'm sure I would be as big as a house.

After dinner the ladies retired and the gentlemen prepared for a meeting of the notorious Hellfire Club. Being an acquaintance of Lord Fawcett I had previous been initiated into the order so had to offer a tribute for the gentlemen to bid for. Mindful that it would not be appropriate for me to make too much of a public display I offered half an hour private play as a prize with the offer to take a spanking from each of the gentlemen as a tit bit to whet their appetites. Standing before the masked Brothers I felt exceptionally nervous, a feeling which did not dissipate as my tribute was announced and each brother in turn placed me over his lap and spanked my bottom. Indeed, I don't know which set of cheeks were blushing more! The start of the bidding sent butterflies to my stomach, as did the deadlock between two brothers both offering 38 guineas before one offered 39 and the other 40, the bidding limit. Brother Edward had won and later I was to be his prize...

Wanted...one flatmate

For the best girly houseshare in town. We are sadly losing a flatmate, which means we're on the hunt. It shouldn't be a problem - we're advertising on kinky sites and have already had lots of interest. Thing is we have a fairly clear idea of what we want - a girl, similar age to us, kinky with a love of ice cream, dressing up and debauchery. We have 2 months to find someone because getting the perfect fit is important - we all get along and want to keep it that way.

What I'm finding very funny is the amount of outraged memos I'm getting in result of our advert. From men telling me we're being sexist and they'd fit right in (and move out after 2 weeks if they didn't?! Because that wouldn't screw up the contract at all...), from TVs insisting that we're discriminating against non-natal females and all sorts of people.

I hate to say it but it's our flat and it's our choice who we want to live with. After all we couldn't loll around in our knickers if we lived with a boy...and they might object to some of our girlier past times. I am just finding it very odd that people think they have the right to comment on the type of flatmate we want...it's a funny old world!

Dark and fluffy

Being away from home is having a strange effect on my kinkometre. I'm swinging between nice fluffyness and daydreaming about nice bedtime spankings and pretty new knickers and general 'good girl' play...and really dark fantasies with lots of tears and breaking. It's totally polarised my play brain. So...cute pyjama scenes or dark and stormy towers and tears and pain. Hum. Both are nice.

I also saw the cutest school uniforms in the World today (except for Lowewood) which has sent my school play brain skipping slightly. I did 14 hours travelling today so LOTS of time to daydream...