"Slut-kiss girls won't you promise her smack
Is she pretty on the inside
Is she pretty from the back"
Or so sang Courtney Love to an angry thirteen year old me sitting in my dimmed bedroom burning candles and drinking Hooch with my equally disillusioned best friend. I don't think we thought we were pretty on the inside, though we were both Guides and I was already harbouring dreams of volunteering overseas. We certainly didn't think we were pretty on the outside but we didn't really care - we were becoming alternative - and that was cool.
As a grown-up the people I like the best are the ones who are pretty on the inside - the nice ones, the loyal ones, the ones trying to make a difference in hard circumstances, the clever ones, people who haven't been beaten down by the system. Inside is more important than outside. I sometimes just wish I could see myself in the same way because I know at heart I'm a good person - I work for a charity, I volunteer in various other things, I give up my seat on the tube for old ladies and donate to good causes. I try to be nice to everyone. But I still spend too much time worrying about whether I'd be more likeable if I was thinner or better at doing my make-up or wore more fashionable clothes. Would people love me more if I had perfectly straight hair and could bear to wear heels more often. Would having better skin and less cellulite make me a better person? I think probably not - so why do we all obsess about it so much? Why can I love others for being great people but get so stressed out because I look chubby.
Why does this remotely even belong on a kinky blog? Well because it's my blog and it's what I'm thinking about but also because the scene can be pretty body-centric. You spend hours getting ready to go out and want to look amazing, and when you see you look amazing you feel amazing and the world is a good place. The number one cause of spoilt scenes for me is probably catching a glance of myself in a mirror and not liking what I see, or worrying that my boobs are wobbling when someones whacking me. It's not just a social issue - it's a play issue because when I feel pretty on the outside I feel better, I enjoy play and relax and it's more fun. Which is horribly hypocritical and I guess I do feel the same and have more fun when I've just done something good for someone else but still a bit silly. As I don't worry about other people wobbling when I play - I just want to hold their hand and have a giggle. So why must I worry about me? I think it's probably a girl thing :(