Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Pretty on the inside

"Slut-kiss girls won't you promise her smack
Is she pretty on the inside
Is she pretty from the back"

Or so sang Courtney Love to an angry thirteen year old me sitting in my dimmed bedroom burning candles and drinking Hooch with my equally disillusioned best friend. I don't think we thought we were pretty on the inside, though we were both Guides and I was already harbouring dreams of volunteering overseas. We certainly didn't think we were pretty on the outside but we didn't really care - we were becoming alternative - and that was cool.

As a grown-up the people I like the best are the ones who are pretty on the inside - the nice ones, the loyal ones, the ones trying to make a difference in hard circumstances, the clever ones, people who haven't been beaten down by the system. Inside is more important than outside. I sometimes just wish I could see myself in the same way because I know at heart I'm a good person - I work for a charity, I volunteer in various other things, I give up my seat on the tube for old ladies and donate to good causes. I try to be nice to everyone. But I still spend too much time worrying about whether I'd be more likeable if I was thinner or better at doing my make-up or wore more fashionable clothes. Would people love me more if I had perfectly straight hair and could bear to wear heels more often. Would having better skin and less cellulite make me a better person? I think probably not - so why do we all obsess about it so much? Why can I love others for being great people but get so stressed out because I look chubby.

Why does this remotely even belong on a kinky blog? Well because it's my blog and it's what I'm thinking about but also because the scene can be pretty body-centric. You spend hours getting ready to go out and want to look amazing, and when you see you look amazing you feel amazing and the world is a good place. The number one cause of spoilt scenes for me is probably catching a glance of myself in a mirror and not liking what I see, or worrying that my boobs are wobbling when someones whacking me. It's not just a social issue - it's a play issue because when I feel pretty on the outside I feel better, I enjoy play and relax and it's more fun. Which is horribly hypocritical and I guess I do feel the same and have more fun when I've just done something good for someone else but still a bit silly. As I don't worry about other people wobbling when I play - I just want to hold their hand and have a giggle. So why must I worry about me? I think it's probably a girl thing :(


Scarlett De Winter said...

I expect to be the first in a deluge of comments telling you that a) you're absolutely fabby and your middle name is loyal and b) that no-one would like you more if you were prettier because you're already incredibly pretty but that's not the reason we like you, actually lots of people like people less for being pretty, so it's a compliment that we like you even though your gorgeous. So there.

Jessica said...

All women worry about themselves - myself included. What you have to try to do is judge people by their actions, not their words. If someone invites you to lots of things and want to play with you, they generally mean it. If they didn't want to, they wouldn't bother. So try to chill and say every day...I know I am a nice person...

Paul said...

Rebecca, I don't think it's a girl thing, I believe it's a human thing, only men are less open to talk about it.
Every thing that I've read about you tells me that you are a decent human being.
I'm sure all your friends think so.
Insecurity is part of the human condition, be positive, you are Alpha Plus.
Warm hugs,

catherine said...

Hi hon

I totally agree with the comments above - you are pretty and loyal and genuine, and lots of people like you, probably more than you realise. But you are definitely prettier when you're relaxed and looking confident than when you're tense and insecure. So sometimes if you're not feeling pretty, try faking it - shoulders back, head up, smile - it only feels fake for a little while before it actually starts to work on the inside too.

Big hugs


Rebecca said...

Meh - thanks for the lovely comments. Tis all just rather befuzzling sometimes.

Master Retep said...

This is actually a very appropriate topic for a blog post because many of us only know youn through your posts, so we only know the inside. If we like you, and we do, its got nothing to do with heels or mascara.

Why do you think boobs shouldn't wobble, most of us reckon that's a good indicator of how deeply our whacks are penetrating.