Wednesday, 19 January 2011

All By Myself

I really am all by myself. My first two weeks down under have been something of a whirlwind - not many people succeed in needing emergency dental within 48 hours of arriving in a country! One wisdom tooth lighter (I never was very wise!) I've realised a few things about myself...

- I'm actually quite good at looking after myself. Within 10 days of arriving I'd found and signed the lease on a new flat, handled the dental crises, set up a mobile and bank account, joined the equivalent of Tescos Clubcard and had my first week at work. My parents friends think I'm 'scarily capable' and I've managed to hit the ground at work not so much a running as a flat out sprinting.

- Sometimes things beyond my control will throw a serious spanner in the works. I hadn't really envisaged antibiotics, minor surgery, reinfection and more antibiotics and then getting ill during my first fortnight. Needing time off work is making me feel incredibly awkward but not as awkward as feeling so wobbly that I really couldn't be confident that was I was doing was actually correct. They will get over it I'm sure but is quite embarrassing that I was off for the extraction, off again when it got infected and am now sick. HR are being lovely (apparently I looked like death warmed up) but get the feeling my boss is somewhat less impressed.

- I'm fine at meeting new people, even if it does scare me and I haven't *had* to do it for a while (as in if I don't I really will have no friends). I've been out to the pub with friends of a friend, to a gig with a girl from work and her friends, seen family friends for dinner, hit the ageplay munch and met kinky girls for drinks. I still feel horribly lonely but I'm going to make friends in the end.

- Other people think I'm competent even if I'm not so sure. Work is throwing an awful lot at me and that includes an awful lot of travel over the next three months. I'm less sure if that's a good thing as it means I can't really join any sports clubs or music groups as I can't commit. I've joined a book group though and once I'm over this bug am going to look into going climbing.

- The break-up may have been for best in many ways. It was however very traumatic and it's only now that I'm realising how various negative aspects have really affected my self-esteem over the last year. I have to put myself back together and realise that I'm an ok person and worth bothering with because right now I'm quite broken. This is going to take time and I don't have to push myself too hard too quickly.

- I need to put some walls back up because I've let too many people inside my head in a spate of trust and it hasn't done me any favours and left me hurt and confused. Better just to rely on myself for a little while as then when it goes wrong and I'm sad I'm the only one to blame.

Which feeds a bit into the realisation that I'm all by myself for now. No partner and no friends in a new place preparing for a few months of nomadism. Hopefully it'll give me the space I need to mend a little bit, to decide who to trust my emotions to in the future, to get over the shit of the last eighteen months. As a teenager I always wanted to be a traveller, so we'll see how I fare with 4 continents in 3 months. I guess it means I won't be putting roots down here just yet, so will continue to view the UK as home and a bit of a grounding point - it's where everyone I care about is anyway.


Haron said...

It breaks my heart when you talk about yourself as broken. You really are a very capable and clever young woman, and you're making the best out of your adventure even when life is pelting you with lemons. I have great faith in you, sweetie.

Your health has treated your really unfairly in the last couple of weeks, but it should stabilise as you get used to the climate of Oz. Lots of hugs, and keep up the awesomeness.

Abel1234 said...

Reading this slightly belatedly... you're doing a *brilliant* job at sorting everything out. I'm full of admiration for the way you've started settling in amidst the crises that have tried to knock you off course.