Sunday, 23 August 2009

When I grew up

It's been a funny couple of months - not so much a storm as seemingly living in the middle of a tornado. A new job, which finally is worthwhile and has real purpose but has seen me take in four countries in the last five weeks and dumped me back down feeling washed out, if ultimately pleased. Throw in a few scary situations - a shooting outside the hotel, machine guns on every street corner, dodgy people and coping with the culture shock and jet lag of doing London and back several times and I'm a little bit broken.

It also feels like suddenly I've grown up a lot almost over night. It was when running that night in the gym that the realisation hit me. I felt pretty angry but stood my ground and did my session, staring myself down in the mirror facing the treadmill. I've watched myself sweat my way through numerous sports sessions over the years but this felt quite weird and a bit like I didn't know the girl staring back at me so well any more. Somehow, somewhere she'd grown up and it's a bit scary. I'm finally doing what I've always wanted to do and making a difference, and when those two little girls got on the treadmills and started running when I'd finished I felt proud, even if their father did make them stop. I don't think I quite bargained that it would all make me feel older though and am feeling a little bit sad.

I think I shall have to take it an excuse to plot lots of fun and mischief and debauchery though - to just let go...

10 comments:

Master Retep said...

Its a tough transition, growing up and becoming an adult.

EmmaJane said...

I handled that growing up feeling by throwing myself into life, doing all the things I never had done before. Hholidays on my own, splurging my hard earned money on frivolous itemsnand getting into the spanking scene.

I dare you to call me a grown up when I'm dressed like a naughty school girl and refusing to behave ;)

xxx

Rebecca said...

Heehee I already do all of those things (looks at ridiculous frilly ladybird miniskirt she bought on Friday). It's just a bit scary realising that I've somehow become a productive member of society and am actually making a difference but I guess the journey there have been a bit of a process of change...

But in the meantime I shall coordinate silly t-shirts for my alumni crew, buy more frilly knickers and plot mayhem...

I wouldn't dare me - interesting things happen (does anyone see a breaktime game of I have never coming on...)

xx

EmmaJane said...

Did you say I never...

So looking forward to getting up to mischief with you proper missy!!!!

Eliane said...

Boy, I am in need of mischief plotting. Having been (supposedly) a grown up for considerably longer than you two, I can, in my elderly voice of experience say that sometimes it's damn good to let off steam.

Paul said...

Rebecca, growing up can be painful, but always worthwhile.
Seeing how others live is helpful as well.
Have fun while you can.
Warm hugs,
Paul.

Caroline Grey said...

I was really moved by your last post--I think you broke through a few different kinds of walls on that treadmill.

I've had that "ZOMG Grownup!" moment a few times...it comes and goes. Courage and really standing up to someone or something--being grounded enough in yourself to have the courage of your convictions, that's when you know you've arrived at a certain threshold of personhood. Whether it's "grown-upness" or not is subjective. It's about growing into yourself, and that's really freaking cool.

in other news, mmm. Mayhem.

Indy said...

I still have those days in which I realize I've grown into some role or another, or finally learned something that would have been useful to know 20 years ago. They don't stop. But it's okay, it's part of what makes getting older a lot better than society says it is.

I'm just catching up on a couple weeks of posts, so I'll add here that I really enjoyed the treadmill post, too.

Rebecca said...

Hey all just wanted to say thank you for the lovely (and rather wise) comments :)

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